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Romeo and JulietEnglish Version .pdf



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Romeo and Juliet
English Version
By
Me!

Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare
He was a cool guy

ACT 4
Scene 1
Friar Lawrence and Paris are talking.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
You seriously have to marry her on Thursday?
PARIS
Yep. My dad really wants me to marry her.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
But I already married her to Romeo.
PARIS
wut.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Did I say something?
Juliet enters
PARIS
Heeeeey wife.
JULIET
I’m not your wife yet stop it.
PARIS
You will be on Thursday can I just start calling you
Mrs. Paris now? It has to happen.
JULIET
Stop getting in between me and my star-crossed lover.
PARIS
wut.
JULIET
Nothing. I guess whatever has to happen happens.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
True dat.
PARIS
Please just... I don’t know. Promise the friar that you
love me.
JULIET
Fine. Friar, I promise I love him.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

2.

PARIS
And you’ll tell me that too?
JULIET
No.
PARIS
Wait, why?
JULIET
Because it’ll mean more if I don’t tell you. Not
because you suck and I’m only marrying you because my
dad’s making me.
PARIS
Oh, ok. You look sad.
JULIET
It doesn’t matter if I cry because I’m ugly.
PARIS
That doesn’t even make sense. Besides, you’re not ugly.
Future Mrs. Paris can’t ugly. Your face is mine!!!!
JULIET
Stop calling me that. And no it’s not. My face is mine.
I can call it ugly all I want.
PARIS
No your face is mine and you hurt its feelings.
JULIET
I’m sorry, face. Hey, Friar? Do you have time for some
teenage relationship drama now or should I see you
after mass?
FRIAR LAWRENCE
I always have time for teenage relationship drama.
Paris, go away. It’s time for some girl talk.
PARIS
Whoa man, didn’t mean to interrupt girl time. That’s
serious. I’ll leave you two alone. See you bright and
early Thursday, future Mrs. Paris, because we are
getting married!
He exits
JULIET
CLOSE THE DOOR SO I CAN AAAANGST!! THE WORLD IS
OVER!!!1!!!!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

3.

FRIAR LAWRENCE
I KNOW RIGHT IT’S SO AWFUL F YOUR LIIIIFE! God why do
you have to marry this douchebag on Thursday. Why can’t
we move back the wedding this sucks balls.
JULIET
No but seriously if anyone knows how to stop this
wedding it’s you so make it stop. And if you can’t just
say it now because I brought a knife and I’m gonna kill
myself.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
wut.
PROFESSOR SNAPE
CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHAT FORESHADOWING IS?
SHAKESPEARE
trololo
JULIET
Really, I married Romeo. You married us, you should
know this. We are star-crossed lovers. Star. crossed.
Paris is getting in the way of the stars. He can’t do
that. So I’ll just kill myself it’ll make everything
better. Can you give me some advice? Right now I’m
really not seeing any better options, I’m just gonna do
it. I don’t really want to marry Paris. Romeo’s the
stars, you can’t beat that. So if you’re gonna give me
advice do it quickly. I’m seriously ready to just stick
this knife right in my stomach and be done with this.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
C’mon. Let’s not make any decisions we’ll regret later.
You don’t have to kill yourself, let’s save that for
act five.
JULIET
Do you have a better idea?
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Kill yourself.
JULIET
Ok. How do you want me to do it? Should I just jump off
a building or go over to the bad side of town or what?
Ooh, I could also use poisonous snakes or bears or
something. Or you could just bury me alive, no muss no
fuss. Man, there are so many cool ways to kill
yourself! I’m kinda upset I only get to do it once, not
gonna lie.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

4.

FRIAR LAWRENCE
No. Here’s what you’re gonna do. Go be all happy future
Mrs. Paris until Wednesday night. It’s only one day,
you’ll survive. That night, take this-He pulls out a vial.
JULIET
...poison? Really? I just listed off a lot of really
good suicide methods and we’re just gonna do posion?
Show some imagination!
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Shut up and listen. So, you take this and your heart
stops, you don’t breathe, and you lose your nice rosy
glow.
JULIET
So basically you die.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
No. You’re just sleeping.
JULIET
So you’re sleeping, but your heart stops.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Yep.
JULIET
Seems legit.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
So, for fourty-two hours, you’re basically dead.
Everyone’ll come in to try and marry you but oops
you’re not alive. So, they’ll dress you up all fancy
and put you in a tomb because that’s what we do with
dead people. I’ll tell Romeo you’re not actually dead,
you’re just lying in a tomb with your heart not
beating, he’ll come, and you can run off together into
the sunset! Unless you pussy out. Because you’re a
girl.
JULIET
Stop being a sexist dickwad and give me the vial. I was
literally two seconds away from stabbing myself do you
really think I’m scared of poison?
He gives her the vial
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Cool. I’ll go send someone to tell Romeo you’re not
dead.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

5.

JULIET
Love give me strength.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Have fun killing yourself.
Exit seperately


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