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Richie Incognito Was Once Known As Larry Mondello
The story of Richie Incognito starts with the genesis of a complicated childhood and a
self-identity crisis that led to a bullying lifestyle as a professional football player. You
see, Ritchie Incognito himself isn't even sure who he is, but what he is sure of is that he
hates taxes, hates rookies and he is 100% badass. Last week at practice Incognito was
heard yelling to an unnamed rookie who beat him at a one-on-one drill, "Kiss my balls
you motherf*ckin' rookie" and then later in the locker room after receiving his paycheck,
"Motherf*ckin' taxes make me want to sh*t down our governments throat."
Growing Up In Mayfield
Incognito grew up in the City of Mayfield on Mapleton Drive and attended Grant Avenue
Grammar School. Back then, he was known as Larry Mondello to his friends and
classmates. Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver was his best friend who he's also bullied the sh*tout-of at times. "Don't forget the b*tches too, they all knew me", said Larry/Richie. The
young Mondello lived with his mom and sister, "On-a-count of my dad being a playa".
Margaret Mondello said her husband and Larry's/Richie's dad was always out of town on
business. Mrs. Mondello stated that she can only remember Larry's/Ritchie's father
attending one of his school events, a school play, and that clearly affected his childhood
and adult life. Larry/Ritchie seemed to always get in trouble in his youth and lead others
astray. Larry/Richie added, "Gee whiz my moms is makin' my pops out to be a creep and
a rat. Yo, my pops would bring home 10 large a week and my moms still be given him
the business. That's f*cked up if u ask me".
Pictures of a young Larry Mondello, now known as Richie Incognito
Young Mondello (Incognito) Idolized His Father
Larry elucidated, "My pops was my idol, yo. He never got mushy with me. Never any
hugs or kisses and I respected that. What I gots from my pop was advice on how to be a
playa. He said to me kid, live by these 4 rules yo, and you'll never have a problem in life.
First, never be afraid to smack a ho if she gets wise. Second, find a bidness where you
don't have to pay taxes. Three, never be afraid to push people around cuz if you wanna
get somewhere in life you gots to bully the f*ck out of people, especially the weak. So
sh*t down their throats if you have to. Fourth, was the "hotel rule", which I'll explain
later. My pops taught me to treat b*tches real good. To this day, I treat women real
swell", Mondello/Incognito added.
Ward Smackin' the Beaver
Larry's/Ritchie's mom said that in retrospect if she could change two things about her
son's childhood it would be that she would have put her foot down a lot earlier and
divorced that "crummy father of Larry's/Ritchie's" much earlier. "But divorce was never
really an option because it wasn't socially acceptable back then", said Mrs. Mondello.
The other thing she wishes she could take back is her affair with Ward Cleaver. Mrs.
Mondello used to rely on Mr. Cleaver to discipline a young Larry/Ritchie when her
husband was out workin' his b*tches. One day, she called Ward at work and asked him to
come over and talk to Larry/Ritchie after he came home from school. The principal had
called cuz Larry had a beef at school with "Lumpy" Rutherford who gave him two black
eyes. "Ward told me he'd come over to speak with Larry. But he wanted to come over an
hour early and he wanted me to wear pumps like June. I'm no fool, I know what Ward
wanted, but with Larry's/Ritchie's dad always gone I'm a woman who had needs too,
recalled Mrs. Montello, Ward wasn't called 'the Beaver's Daddy' for nothing, ya know!
He smack that beaver good, if you know what I mean!"
Larry/Ritchie still recalls the traumatizing situation, "So I'm walkin' up the f*ckin' steps
and I hear my moms yellin', 'More, more, more', and here Cleaver's got her heels up in
the air he puts my mom in the buck poundin' her hard, yo. That's when this playa flipped,
no what I'm sayin' and I sh*t down that wise guy's throat and kicked him the f*ck out of
my crib, yo."
Larry Changes for the Worse
"That's when it all started to changed for my little Larry/Ritchie, says Mrs. Montello,
Larry/Ritchie became a troublemaker, a bully, a hazer, and a racist. I remember
Larry/Ritchie constantly referring to one kid as 'Whitey'. That's all he called him was
'Whitey'. I thought it was out of line. Larry/Ritchie was never a racist prior to that. Then,
he'd get Beaver to do all of his dirty work for him. Boy, did he pick on Beaver. He
tricked Beaver into stealing money from my sewing basket just so they'd have extramoney for the carnival. They also got in trouble stealing a boat at Friends Lake and they
both got arrested".
Lumpy Rutherford Wants Revenge
Things really started to unravel in the Mondello family when Larry/Ritchie took a page
out of his parents' book and had sexual relations with Violet Rutherford, Lumpy's sister.
"She was cherry and I popped it, but she turned out to be a ho, says Larry/Richie. Here's
where that fourth rule from my pops comes in, the "hotel rule". That is, when you bang a
b*tch, the "ho tell" everybody, so be prepared to cover your tracks. My pops be right yo,
and once Lumpy found out, he and Eddie Haskell put a hit out on me".
Lumpy Rutherford lookin' for an Incognito beat down
Lumpy and Eddie were relentless in bullying Larry/Richie in public and told him when
they finally get him alone he would be a dead man. To counter this, Larry/Richie came up
with a plan to run away to Mexico, but he only got as far a Wally and Beaver's bedroom
bathtub. "Wally knew Lumpy was gonna put a cap in my ass, so he actually helped
Beaver sneak food up to me in the bathtub. Mrs. Cleaver finally caught me one day when
she was cleaning her boy's bedroom and I got sent back home. I never saw a woman look
so fine doing house work, though. Man, I wanted to tap that. Ward was a dumb a** for
knockin' the boots with my moms when he could be tappin' that clam any time he
wanted", said Larry/Richie.
Changin' Identities From Larry Mondello to Richie Incognito
When Larry/Richie got home he came clean with his "moms" and told her he had
knocked boots but with Lumpy's sister and now Lumpy was out to kill him. Mrs.
Mondello considered her own past with Ward Cleaver and decided the best thing would
be to move far away to a place no one would ever consider moving...New Jersey and live
"incognito". "My moms also divorced my pops and we decided it would be a good idea if
we changed our first and last names. My sister thought "Incognito" would be perfect
because it would be too stupid for people hiding to use such a name. I really liked the
idea of changing my name because any kid would have gotten the sh*t kicked out of
them in New Jersey with a name like Lawrence or Larry. Plus, I could never get any
chicks, ever with that name", said Larry/Richie.
Incognito after the move to New Jersey
He further explained, "So, for my first year in New Jersey I simply went "incognito" so I
would not get picked on. This playa was layin' low yo and I home schooled for shizzel.
Then, one Saturday, I watching Happy Days and I came to the realization that a fat little
pork chop like me could never be as cool as the Fonz. I was more the Richie Cunningham
type, but badass, racist, a bully with an attitude. So, right then and there, Richie Incognito
was born, yo."
Now going by the name Richie Incognito, the days of the crummy dressing, apple-eating,
candy bar-muncher, goofball Larry Mondello were gone. "I was gettin all the b*tches I
wanted and then some. He liked doing chicks and dudes in any orifice he could get. His
favorite..."sh*tin' in their mouth".
When, Incognito got to the University of Nebraska to play football for Coach Frank
Solich he claims that he "Intimidated the f*ck out of that old fart smeller". Solich could
not be reached for comment. for this interview.
But while I was writing this story, Incognito started to bully me by calling me an "old
f*ckin' has-been that was overated who'd played for an overated franchise". "You ain't
sh*t Hutson, you wanna piece of me motherf*cker. I'll tell you this, if I got drafted by
Green Bay, the first thing I would do is sh*t down the throat of the owner and all the
When I informed Incognito that the Packers were owned by over 200,000 owners that
were basically all fans of the team, he replied, "Did I studder motherf*cker? You don't
wanna mess with this playa, yo. I'll sh*t all over you, yo."
No surprise, that Incognito eventually got kicked off of the Nebraska football team due to
a racial epithat directed at Head Coach Frank Solich. "I called him a white honky and the
athletic director asked me to apologized. I said, this playa don't apologize to nobody, yo.
Then I proceeded to try and sh*t in the mouth of our athletic director".
Suggestion of Calling Oregon Cheerleaders by New Name
Dismissed from the Nebraska Football team, he tried to transfter to the Univeristy of
Oregon for one season. "They are the Oregon Ducks, right? So, I came up with this great
idea of calling the chearleaders the 'Oregon F*cks'. I saw it as I sign of respect that would
give these b*tches some well deserved attention for their total hotness. So what happens,
Those motherf*ckers kick me off the team before the first practice. I told those honkies in
the athletic department office to f*ck off and I'd sh*t down their throats if given the
chance", said an irrate Incognito. I just thought we should tell the truth about the
cheerleaders on-a-count-of everyone was f*ckin' them. Plus, as I said it was a total sign
of respect for that sweet ass poontang."
Incognito revealing his inner Larry Mondello
Incognito vs. Incognito the Rookie
In 2005, the St. Louis Rams drafted Incognito in the 3rd round. "That is where admittedly
I had my biggest issues because I hate f*ckin' rookies. I mean I hate them and I will sh*t
down their throats. So many nights I remember staying up late and just kickin' the sh*t
out of my own honky ass. I remember lookin' in the mirror and intimidating the f*ck out
of myself. I'd say stuff like, you're dead you motherf*ckin' caucasian and then I pop
myself in the mind with my fist and sh*t down my throat. I have to admitt that is the first
time I thought bullying and hazing 'could' be wrong and I did almost report it to the Rams
front office because I did think it crossed the line. But once I got through my rookie
season, I just felt like in my second year its gonna be payback time to all those rookie
From St. Louis, Incognito went to Buffalo and then Miami. Now he's suspended for
bullying and threatening teammates in Miami. "F*ck those motherf*ckers, frankly they
make me want to sh*t down their throats", says Incognito.
NFL Experts and Background Checks
Somehow this amazing revelation regarding Incognito's past secret identity as Larry
Mondello got past the NFL background check process held at the annual combine before
each NFL Draft. Apparently, Incognito sh*t all over the Wonderlic Test and still
managed to score a deuce.
Even more remarkable, this back story got past the so-called NFL Insiders like Glazer,
Werder, Mortensen, Schefter, Zucker of Bleacher Report, and even small timers like
Wild of ESPN Milwaukee. Had the league or these "experts" done any sort-of
background check regarding Richie Incognito, it would have been understood along time
ago that he was an extreme bully based on his past life as Larry Mondello.
I don't believe I have any psychological issues at all. But I will say that if I am banned
from this league and banned from making the Hall-of-Fame (which I richly deserve) I
will hunt all of these motherf*ckers down, especially you Hutson and I will sh*t down
your throats. This playa ain't jokin', yo."
GrumpyDonHutson is a Senior NFL Writer for @GrumpyDonHutson - a parity twitter
This entire story is a parity and any names, places, things, actions mentioned in the story
are purely coincidental and for novelty purposes. This entire article should not be viewed