Invitation .pdf

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18, 2014

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary

for one people to throw a kickass party, and to assume among the powers of
the earth, the level of intoxication to which the Laws of Nature and of
Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind

requires that they invite you to said party to celebrate the return of everyone’s
favorite Redcoats, Matt and Rich, to our great Land.

Accordingly, we

request that you take up the Colors and enlist in the fight against tyranny,

bad dentistry, and sobriety. — We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all

men are NOT created equal - those born in the United States being obviously
superior, that the United States of America is the greatest country in the

World, that our Contributions to global Culture—Bourbon, the Big Mac, and
the general concepts of Freedom and Democracy, foremost among them—far
exceed anything the rest of the world has contributed to this point (or ever,
let’s be serious), and that you should join us on March 27, 2014, for

the America Party Part 2: The Beautiful Reckoning. We’re Getting Star
Spangled Hammered.


«  P.S. Fear not if this Declaration should

fall into the pasty hands of the enemy.
British people are incapable of reading

Times New Freedom because of a severe
allergy to liberty.

«  P.P.S. Someone should go ahead and

translate this for the Brits and Alex

Kruzyk so they know when to show up.

British/Canadian Translatioun
You have been invited to a party to celebraute the
Greateust Natioun in This or Any Other Univeurse! This
party will take plauce on Thuursday 27 Maurch 2014 at 19
o’clouck at Aaron’s house. You shouuld come! Wear your
country’s colours!*

*The author of this invitation really struggled with your freedom-hating
practice of arbitrarily and superfluously adding the letter “u” to words. Here
in America we believe that words should be free from the tyranny of
unnecessary vowels. Remember, there’s no “u” in “liberty.”

Why Should I Attend?
« It’s your duty as an

« Note: We have instituted a

Conscription Draft. Consider
this invitation your draft ticket.
It is now illegal for you not to

More Reasons to Attend
«  See previous page
«  Bourbon!
«  Beer!
«  Food!
«  Fire!
«  Patriotism!

Celebrities Who Might* Show Up
«  Hulk Hogan
«  Jack Bauer
«  Maverick from Top Gun
«  Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
«  Former California Governor Arnold

«  Buzz Aldrin
*We have not yet confirmed that these guests will be in attendance, but party policy is that they get
to move to the front of any bathroom or drink lines if and when they do show up.

People Who Hate America Parties
«  Albert “Al” Qaeda
«  Sean Penn
«  Piers Morgan
«  Vladimir Putin
«  Kim Jong Un
«  Justin Bieber
«  King George III

Great! I’m in!
What should I wear?
We’re glad to see you’ve come to your senses!
Please see the following examples of
acceptable attire:

Examples of Acceptable Attire

Note: Saira Fida’s head must remain obscured at all times during the party. Sorry, Saira.

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