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18, 2014

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary

for one people to throw a kickass party, and to assume among the powers of
the earth, the level of intoxication to which the Laws of Nature and of
Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind

requires that they invite you to said party to celebrate the return of everyone’s
favorite Redcoats, Matt and Rich, to our great Land.

Accordingly, we

request that you take up the Colors and enlist in the fight against tyranny,

bad dentistry, and sobriety. — We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all

men are NOT created equal - those born in the United States being obviously
superior, that the United States of America is the greatest country in the

World, that our Contributions to global Culture—Bourbon, the Big Mac, and
the general concepts of Freedom and Democracy, foremost among them—far
exceed anything the rest of the world has contributed to this point (or ever,
let’s be serious), and that you should join us on March 27, 2014, for

the America Party Part 2: The Beautiful Reckoning. We’re Getting Star
Spangled Hammered.