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Crazy Bitch Incorporated Application to Date My Best Friend .pdf



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Crazy Bitch Incorporated
Application to Date My Best Friend
Please fill out the application completely.
Applicant Information
Full Name:
Last

First

M.I.

Address:
Street Address

Apartment/Unit #

City

Home Phone:

(

Province

)

Postal Code

Blood Type:

What are your
overall intentions:

InVoluntary Information
This information is being requested in accordance with the Best Friends terms of agreement. You have no
choice but to answer all the questions below. We can and most likely will use this information against you if
you break her heart or hurt her in any way. We reserve the right to burn all your shit, sell it on Ebay, or any
other nasty ass thing we can possibly think of. You have no recourse and we don’t care if you don’t like it. We
are here to protect her and if that means kicking the shit out of you later then you better stop at Walmart and
buy some runners big guy.
How would you describe yourself?


White Canadian



Stupid Canadian



What’s a Canadian?



French Canadian



Slow Canadian



Molson Canadian



Bat Shit Crazy

☐ Normal Crazy

How would others describe you?


Crazy as a Shithouse Rat

What are you most afraid of?


Bears



Dogs

☐ Snakes



Spiders



Transvestites

☐ This Application Form

Have you ever been to Jail? (This includes Prison, Juvie and the Drunk Tank)


Maybe



Not Lately



Are you the Cops?



Can I get Bail Money?



Yes



What day is it?



Does a Day pass count?



Depends on who it is



Protection of what?



What does my bodyguard
have to do with anything?



Trojan

Do you use protection?


Sometimes



Usually



My boys are itchy



Prefer not to say (What are
you hiding?)



Always

What type of Protection do you use?
Please check off all applicable answers



Dollar Coin Wrapped



Flavored (Please Specify
Flavor _____________)



ADT Protection



Ribbed



Super Juicy



Thin



Glad Cling Wrap



Colored

Who should bring the protection?
Please check off all applicable answers


You



Kim



The Bellhop



The Pizza Guy



What fucking protection??



The hotel



Piper



Pharmacy Delivery



Carrier Pigeon

2

You are applying to date my best friend. If you fail the application you will end up like the last
guy. Do you see him anywhere?? Exactly. What do you think we did with him?


I am afraid to ask



I think he ran away



Pulled a Lorraina Bobbit





They will never find him



Went all Jeffery Dalmer on
his ass
He is in the basement
freezer



I don’t talk mean about my
exes (Liar)



We Shot Him



Buried him alive



What are we really eating?



She is okay but Thank God
that truck hit her

How would you describe your EX?


BatShit Crazy



I don’t even remember her
name





I can live without her



I haven’t seen her since I
dropped her off at the
Royal Ottawa
I have an ex-boyfriend does
that count?



I’m not allowed to describe
family members to strangers
Nice Girl..Not my type
(Chicken shit)



Have you ever been caught Masturbating?





Ummmm
I have no idea what you are
talking about
Have you been talking to my
mom?



I don’t do that!



Does the Cat or Dog count?



Sort Of Explain _________



Oh for Christ sake…YES

Where is the craziest and or riskiest place you have had sex?


I never leave the bedroom



In the shower



At the Bus Stop



In a Car / Truck



In a closet



In a bathroom



In a hotel hallway



In the woods



On my front yard on the

3

way in here tonight

PART TWO
Please answer the following questions with YES or NO. We don’t care about your reasons why you are
answering that way. We will draw our own conclusions and decide whether or not you are good enough for
her, which you are not, nor will you ever be, but we are willing to let her be happy, be rest assured we will
watch you like a fucking hawk.
Do you know what a Blumpkin is?

☐ YES ☐ NO

Do you know what a Donkey Punch is? ☐ YES ☐ NO
Have you ever owned anything Justin Beiber related? ☐ YES ☐ NO
Do you or have you ever worn black vinyl or leather thongs? ☐ YES ☐ NO
Have you ever had or given a Golden Shower? ☐ YES ☐ NO
Does your ass look better than Kim’s? ☐ YES ☐ NO
Does your ass look better than Kim’s in her Jeans? ☐ YES ☐ NO
Do you whine like a Bitch when you have a cold? ☐ YES ☐ NO
Have you ever cried for your Mommy past the age of 10? ☐ YES ☐ NO
Have you ever Plucked anything but a chicken? ☐ YES ☐ NO
Have you ever had to run away from your own fart? ☐ YES ☐ NO
Have you ever blamed your fart or someone else as you were running away? ☐ YES ☐ NO
Have you ever put on a bra just to see what it feels like? ☐ YES ☐ NO
Have you ever been caught peeking in your neighbors window? ☐ YES ☐ NO
Have you ever looked at a hole in the wall and thought..well maybe for a second? ☐ YES ☐ NO
Have you ever taken Nude Selfie photo’s? ☐ YES ☐ NO
Have you ever taken a picture of your ass just to see if it looks ok? ☐ YES ☐ NO
Have you or will you ever know anyone as awesome as Kim? ☐ YES ☐ NO

4

Have you or will you ever suggest KFC for dinner with Kim? ☐ YES ☐ NO

PART THREE INKBLOTS
Look at the following InkBlots and choose the answer that best describes what you see. We will use this
information to ascertain if you are completely fucked up and not worthy of Kim, If you have little voices in
your head, if the Devil told you to do it, if you really have been through an inkblot test and failed miserably
and if you are crazy enough to fit in with the group.

I See…

☐ Fairies ☐ Dragonflies ☐ Singing Penis’s ☐Boobs ☐ Dancing Monkeys in Leather

I See…

☐ Fairies ☐ What the fuck is looking at me? ☐ Bigger Boobs ☐ My own face if I hurt her

5

I See… ☐ A deep hole that is sucking me in ☐ Is this related to the masturbation question? ☐ Squished
boobs

I See… ☐ The Fairies are Back ☐ A cute little Alien..I think I have met him before ☐ An insect

6

I See… ☐ Kim in the Morning ☐ Now that’s a Crazy Bitch ☐ Kim’s Worst Nightmare ☐ I thought you said
you DIDN’T know my Ex? What the fuck??

I See… ☐ Kim ☐ A Horse ☐ Tim Hortons Coffee ☐ Two of Kim’s Favorite Things ☐ Who the hell is
that? ☐ The Best thing that has ever or will ever happen to me in my entire damn life.

7

Conclusion

Thank you for filling out this application. Upon reviewing it we will make our decision as to if you are good
enough for my best friend, have her best interests at heart, are pure damn scum, should end up like the last
guy, or if we are ever letting you near her again.

You will not be informed of our decision. You will understand the out-come of this application as we will not
let her call you, talk to you, think about you, use any form of electronic device to contact you, smoke signal
you, or any other form of contact. Certain questions in this application have been specifically designed for us
to determine if you are a god damn lunatic, just looking for a good time, or are actual a somewhat nice guy.
We will never admit to the nice guy part.

If you have any problems or are offended by this application, you may contact absolutely nobody as we told
you ahead of time we don’t give a shit what you think and that she is the most important thing to us. You can
go whine to someone who actually cares. If you never talk to her again because of this application you will
have proven to us you a dog and we will speak to the people we sent out to take care of the last Son of a Bitch.

Sincerely,

CEO
Crazy Bitch Incorporated

8


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