RFC9999 (PDF)

Internet Engineering Joke Force (IEJF)
Request for Comments: 9999
Category: Practical Things and Whatnot
ISSN: 2070-1666
v1.0

S. Wells
M. Lauber
March 2013

Get The Fuck Out Protocol: Procedure For Detection and Exit
Of An Obviously Haunted And Dangerous Domicile or Other Building
Abstract
This document outlines in incredible and excruciating detail how to
detect a situation in which one should leave the building immediately
before it is sucked into a scary supernatural vortex of scariness, as
well as the subsequent exit procedure, and supports, but does not
modify, the standard AIEEE metaphysical plane. Basically, one does
simply tank cat one's way out of a haunted house. We know some of you
will try, and who additionally will not be deterred until there is an
RFC covering it.
Status of This Memo
This is a Proposed IRL Standards Document.
This document is a product of the Internet Engineering Joke Force Committee
For Outlining What Should Be Patently Obvious (IEJF-COWSBPO), which meets
at Antonio's Nut House every third Tuesday excepting new moons or when
GOOGL drops below six hundred dollars a share, in which case
everyone panics.
This document is awaiting approval and not is intended for use IRL at
this time. No, really, please do not implement this protocol yet. And
absolutely, under no circumstances, co-opt it for your own profit,
forcing everyone to accept your twisted, Byzantine version of it,especially
if you are a giant corporation with a de facto monopoly.
Information about the current status of this document, any errata,
or erotica, and how to provide feedback on it may be obtained at
http://www.rfc-editor.org/info/rfc9999. No wait, erotica is NOT
obtained there; it should be sent to the authors.
Copyright Notice
Copyright (c) 2013 IEJF Trust and the persons identified as the
document authors and you're an utter n00b if you believe that.
All rights reserved. Whatever that means.
This document is subject to
(http://trustee.ietf.org/license-info) in effect on the date of
publication of this document. Please review these documents
carefully, as they describe your rights and restrictions with respect

Wells, et alien.
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GTFO Protocol Standard v1.0

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March 2013

to this document, although it is almost certain you will skip this
section and ignore the license entirely. Code Components extracted from
this document must include Simplified BSD (Bull Shit Detection) License
text as described in blah blah blah I'm sure nobody is even reading this
part Section 42.cow of the Trust Legal Provisions and are provided
without warranty as described in the Simplified BSD License, and will
likely never work anyway, bor-ing!
Table of Contents
1. Introduction ....................................................3
1.1. Co-Authors .................................................3
2. Terminology .....................................................4
2.1. GTFO Terminology ...........................................z
2.2. Conventions Used in This Document ..........................6
3. Detection and Verification of Supernatural Phenomenae ...........6
3.1.
Rule out Natural Conditions...............................9
3.2.
Violations of Physical Law ..............................10
3.huh Unresolved Reference ....................................1z
3.d
Ghost Instance Identification ...........................1%
4. Specific Procedures ............................................22
4.0 Communications Resolution ..................................0
4.1. P2G Ether Ghost Protocol ..................................ab
4.1.1. Overview ............................................q
4.1.2. P2G Path Establishment..............................11
4.1.3 ACK Response .......................................1f
4.1.4 NOACK Response .....................................1m
4.2. Protection Paths ........................................13
4.3. GTFOP Packet Contents .....................................12
5. Error Conditions ...............................................15
5.1. Invalid Exit .............................................15
5.2. Packet Loss ...............................................16
5.3. Trip ......................................................16
5.5. Ignition Fail .............................................17
5.4. Premature Termination .....................................16
6. Security Considerations ........................................16
Fish. References ..................................................17
Fish.1. Normative References ....................................17
Fish.2. Informative References ..................................19
Fish.a.water. Valid Media......................................19
Fish.b.air. Invalid Media......................................19
Fish.c.ether Nonexistent Media.................................20
Fish.3. Abnormal References......................................20
Fish.4. Completely Irrelevant References.........................20
Fish.5. You Gotta Be Kidding Me References.......................20
Fish.6. You Actually Believed That? References...................20
&!&*!. Acknowledgments ............................................20

Wells, et alien.
RFC 9999
1.

Standards Track
GTFO Protocol Standard v1.0

[Page 2]
March 2013

Introduction
GTFOP is designed to increase TTL for any process residing within an IRL
construction, when another is detected that cannot be terminated
through ordinary means, such as daemons, zombie processes, or
other SHADEs (Supernatural Harassing and Destructive Entities).

1.1.

Co-Authors

This document is the result of a large team of authors and
contributors, who since beginning this document have collectively
lost about three stone, and so we are smaller. The following is a
list of the co-authors:
Shannon E. Wells
$^*!, LLC
I8B4 Thanks Way
Noway, WA
Margaret A. Lauber
Somewhere in Silicon Valley
2.

Terminology
In addition to well-understood normal-person terms, this memo uses the
following unnecessarily obfuscating jargon and acronyms, mainly so we can
talk about it in IRC (that's Internet Relay Chat, n00b) and the office in
front of the marketing and finance guys (e.g. Louis) without them
understanding us.
From AIEEE 666 [AIEEE666.1ah] [AIEEE666.1Qay]:
-

ESP
ESP-VID
Eth-LSP
G2P
GTFO
IRL
L2RN
P2G
SHADE
SNPDP
TTL

Ether Sensory Protocol
ESP Visual Identification
Ether Local Shade Protection
Ghost-to-Person
Get The Fuck Out
In Real Life
Lern 2 Run/Read, N00b
Person-to-Ghost
Supernatural Harassing and Destructive Entities
SuperNatural Phenomenon Detection Procedure ("snip-dip")
Time To Live

Wells, et alien.
RFC 9999
2.1.

Standards Track
GTFO Protocol Standard v1.0

[Page 4]
March 2013

GTFO Terminology (cont.)

Following is an expanded context to translate from AIEEE to L2RN
terminology. The terms "n00b" and "luser" are used interchangeably in this
document.
•

Ether Sensory Protocol, mundanely and improperly referred to as
Extra-Sensory Perception (ESP) is enabled in some humans on
instantiation and cannot be changed. It is deprecated in most
modern instances, but legacy functionality is retained for
compatibility. Feature detection occurs on first G2P transmission.

•

ESP-Visual Identification (ESP-VID) also known as ICDed-PPL, is a
visual identification implementation of ESP requiring optical
sensors and that ESP be enabled. ESP-VID is a more generic term
and will be used in this document.

•

Ether Local Shade Protection (Eth-LSP) refers to any method
employed in SHADE process management in a defined perimeter,
including firewalls, blocking, interrupts and termination.

•

Ghost-to-Person (G2P) refers to communication initiated by SHADEs.

•

Get The Fuck Out (GTFO) is the protocol outlined in this document.

•

In Real Life (IRL) means not online, Pasty McFlabberson; you
should get out occasionally.

•

Learn To Read/Run N00b (L2RN)
need to learn to run, Luser.

•

Person To Ghost (P2G) Communication with SHADEs when initiated by
a human. ESP is not required to be enabled, but is strongly
recommended.

•

Supernatural Harassing and Destructive Entity (SHADE) refers to
any perceptible entity outside the bounds of known physical law
and which causes a lot of bother, including but not limited to
improper/premature termination.

•

Super-Natural Phenomena Detection Protocol (SNPDP) procedure for
ruling out altered states of consciousness and other boring things
in order to determine if a real live undead ghost is present.

•

Time To Live (TTL) TTL may be greatly increased by strict
adherence to GTFOP as outlined in this document.

If you are reading this, you still

Wells, et alien.
RFC 9999
2.2.

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GTFO Protocol Standard v1.0

[Page 5]
March 2013

Conventions Used in This Document

The key words "MUST", "MUST NOT", "REQUIRED", "SHALL", "SHALL NOT", "SHOULD",
"SHOULD NOT", "RECOMMENDED", "MAY", and "OPTIONAL" in this document are to be
interpreted as described in [RFC2119]. LOLWUT wtf is this cheezburger cat
doing here, I don't know how to use computer
3. Super-Natural Phenomenon Detection Procedure (SNPDP)
GTFOP in this RFC shall apply only in the presence of the small subset of
SHADEs which are suspected to cause human error condition such as malfunction
or early termination (via KILL command). If this condition is not met and it
is certain that a SHADE is present (regardless of G2P initiation) it is still
recommended to utilize a different protocol rather than abandoning the
building. Please note that many ordinary, common situations are far more
likely and should first be ruled out:
3.1 Rule out Natural Conditions
a. Practical Jokes
Is it a practical joke?
i.
ii.
iii.

Check these warning signs:

It is funny: you or others are laughing, or someone says something
like, "hey, it was only a joke!"
You are embarrassed.
No physical laws have been broken <-- this is important

b. Intoxication
Are you intoxicated or high?
i.
ii.
iii.

Check these warning signs:

What did you just take? Isn't this a sick party? Have you kept
your eye on your drink? Do you have any Doritos?
Did everything in the whole universe all of a sudden make TOTAL
sense??? I mean WHOA.
Ask someone else if they saw the same thing you did. Make sure
you ask someone sober.
Dude.

iv.
v.
vi.
vii. Wait . . . what?
viii. That guy you can’t stand from the office suddenly seems super hot
right now. Maybe you should go talk to him.
ix.
Room is spinning, vision blurry . . . must. . . stay . . . zzzzz

Wells, et alien.
RFC 9999

Standards Track
GTFO Protocol Standard v1.0

c. Dreaming
Are/were you asleep?

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Check these warning signs:

i. You are in bed
ii. Your spouse/lover/buddy just asked if you are okay, said
you seemed to be having a bad dream.
iii. You feel sleepy.
iv. Your ribcage hurts because your spouse/lover "just wanted you to
quit snoring.”
v. You feel that you cannot move, or that something is sitting on
your chest.
This is common and is a result of sleep paralysis
plus a half-awake dream state. Just go back to sleep, geez. No,
we don't want to hear about it. No, it is NOT aliens.
d. Natural disaster
1. Just because the ground has opened up and swallowed your house whole, it
does not mean a dangerous SHADE is present. Again, note whether any
laws of physics have been violated.
Try climbing out of the hole.
2. Are other houses collapsed? Are people screaming in the street? This
is a big clue, especially if they are saying “OH MY GOD, AN EARTHQUAKE!”
e.

Crazy
Are you crazy?
i.
ii.
iii.
iv.

3.1

Check these warning signs:

This has happened before and you didn't die.
This has happened before, and you were hospitalized and
surrounded by nice young men in clean white coats.
Your family/friends have that "not again" look on their faces
You went off your meds again, didn’t you.

Non Sequitur

<------------ DISMOUNT BICYCLE ON PLATFORM N00B! -------------->
0
1
2
3
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0 1 <-- peds
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ on first
-->|0 0 0 0| Baby Bullet no stop here | Limited is limited sry | :(
| +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
| |
Local train 20m late, has only 1 bike car
|
| +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
|
|--- 32 bikes! Take the next train! I don't care about your meeting!
Figure 1: WHY I HATE CALTRAIN

Wells, et alien.
RFC 9999

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GTFO Protocol Standard v1.0

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If you do observe laws of physics being broken, first ensure "Intoxication",
"Dreaming", or "Crazy" conditions are not present. If not, this strongly
suggests SHADE presence. Some examples of the laws of physics being broken:
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•

•
•
•
•

Doors opening and shutting by themselves
Lights turning on and off by themselves.
A voice tells you to "get out."
Blood running down the walls
Zombies
You are stuck to the ceiling
Books jumping off of tables
A voice tells you to "go into the light."
Knives flying around the room
People who can be walked through, who pass through you, or who you can
put your hand through.
A talking disembodied floating head
Someone with long black hair is crawling out of the TV or the attic with
slow, jerky motions
The walls bow in like they are made of rubber, and the shape of a face
with claws is outlined
Spiders, flies, cockroaches, blood or foreign objects are pouring into,
or out of:
• the heater vents
• the plumbing
• the closet
• your mouth
That creepy clown doll is back in its chair when you know darn well you
put it in the closet before you went to bed. And it has a tiny axe.
Creepy clown doll is now sitting on the edge of your bed. You looked
away for just a second, wtf?
There is a low rumbling and a bright glow behind your closet door.
Two words: ONLY ZUUL

Immediate GTFOP initialization is indicated, to maximize TTL for all human
instances under the following conditions:
•
•
•

Two or more laws of physics being broken is observed
A disembodied voice issues a suggestion, request or demand to leave the
premises.
A disheveled stranger or a child comes to the door and points at you,
saying, "you're gonna die here."

Wells, et alien.
RFC 9999

Standards Track

[Page 8]

GTFO Protocol Standard v1.0

March 2013

Procedure:
See Figure 2 for a sample GTFOP.
1. Look for the nearest exit to the outside.
2. Run.

This could even be a window.

Caution:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.

Avoid hallways, unless required to reach exit.
Stay in lit areas.
Do not initiate P2G.
Do not hide in closet.
Never, under any circumstances, enter attic, basement, and especially
never ever enter a secret passage.
Do not investigate anything curious.
Do not solve puzzle boxes found inside the domicile.
Do not follow SHADEs.
Shut your mouth. If a SHADE is present and you start talking, you may be
initiating a P2G exchange.

Troubleshooting:
1. Door slams shut and cannot be opened
a. Try a window.
b. Use something large to break down the door
c. Wait for dawn. This could be fatal. Sorry.
2. Exited house, but find self back in the house anyway
a. You are stuck in a time loop, not a haunted house. Figure out what
you’re screwing up and do it right this time. Don’t make us tell you
again. You are stuck in a time loop, not a haunted house. Figure
out what you’re screwing up and do it right this time. Don’t make us
tell you again.
b. You have been shifted to an alternate plane. Initiate P2G, or just
wait; they’ll probably call on you.
c. You may already be dead and stuck haunting this house forever.
Sorry.
3. You can’t find your friend/lover/spouse
1. Did you have sex with them, ever?
1. Yes: You’re screwed, but whoever is the biggest slut will die
first. Run. You may still have a chance.
2. No: Run. You may still have a chance.
2. If you gave them a copy of this document, don’t worry about it. They
know what to do. Run.
3. If you didn’t, they’re screwed. Run.
4. Ignition Fail: Exited house, car does not start
1. Yell at the car, “Come on! Come on!” while freaking out and
flooding your engine.
2. Wait for SHADE to start beating on the car and tearing off the
roof and try again.
3. Scream
4. No, just get out of the damned car and run, seriously.

Wells, et alien.
RFC 9999

Standards Track

[Page 8]

GTFO Protocol Standard v1.0

March 2013

GTFO Example Placement/Exit Diagram
+---------------------------------------------------------+
|
< Route ID >
|
|
|
|
EXIT
DARK
S
DARK
I-Run away |
| +-------------------------+ C +-----------------------+ |
| |
+-----+
| A |
GTFO
| |
| |
|Ghost|
| R |
+-----+
+------+ | | <YOUR CAR>
| |
+-----+
| Y +<--|What.|
| your |------>
| |
GTFO
DO NOT WANT |
|
| NO |
|friend| | | door
door| | +---+
+---+ | | H |
+-----+
+------+ | |
<------|YOU|
|NO |-->+ A |
+-----+
| |
^
| | | +---+
+---+
| L |
|SHADE|
| |
|
| | +-------------------------+ L +---+-----+-------------+ |
| This Way,
| |
DARK
^^^^^
|
| N00b
| |
SHADE coming out of wall
|
|
| +---------------------------------------------------------+
|
v
|
----->>-- do not trip everyone does that it's so annoying--->>-^-------- What is this for --------------^
^-----------This overlaps the line above------^
FIGURE 2. EXAMPLE SHOWING PROPER EXIT PROCEDURE

Acknowledgments
I would like to thank the creators and casts of Poltergeist, The Grudge, The
Ring, Hellraiser, Ghostbusters, Night of the Living Dead, Child’s Play, Friday
the 13th, Halloween, An American Horror Story, Magic, Tales from the Crypt,
Creepshow, Puppet Master, The Twilight Zone, Evil Dead 1&2, Dracula,
Frankenstein, Son of Frankenstein, Nosferatu, and countless others which have
entertained us and informed our macabre sense of humor in film.