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The Sandy Rag
Monday ~ August 17th 2015

@theSandyRag #sandyrag – Use OPSEC…

High concentrations of small
discovered at local Air Base

rocks

had any follow –up remarks, but were found dead at In Theaters this week… Maybe not our
the scene. A theater worker maintained that they had theaters, but somewhere…
been the only theater-goers not wearing a bandanna.
The Base Exchange apologized for its deficiency, but Format:
Date – Title – Cast – My Summary. Early Screenings Rating
assures customers that more are on their way, and (if available)/10 [Rating] h:mm of your life.
that in the meanwhile, they still have full stock of
August 19th, Wednesday – Slow Learners - Adam
green, yellow, and black bandannas.
Perry, Megan Neuringer, Bobby Spears Jr., Peter Grosz.
Base Chaplin finds lack of faith - Two people that suck at love try and teach
themselves to be better over the summer. Early
“Disturbing”
screenings gave this a 6.9/10/ESR [R] 1:36 oyl
Chaplin James Earl expressed concern with the low
levels of faith he sensed on base last Thursday, in an August 21st, Friday – American Ultra – Jesse Eisenburg,
exclusive interview with the Sandy Rag. “Faith is a Kirsten Stewart, Connie Britton, John Leguizamo. – Pot
powerful force out here. It moves us, and can give us head – I’m sorry, marijuana enthusiast – and somehow
a sense of purpose. Regardless of your religion, it binds government agent is marked for death, but somehow
us together, makes us more than the sum of our parts. overcomes all of this, because of his mad skills. I can’t
Search yourself – you know it’s true. Hopefully more make this shit up people. NESRA [R] 1:36 oyl
airmen will feel this faith flowing through them,
st
enabling the mission.” The Chaplin has more to say in August 21 , Friday – Agent 47 – Rupert Friend, Hannah
Ware,
Zachary
Quinto, Ciaran Hinds – Classic baddass
this interview, but it was all rather boring, and things
assassin
meets
very
pretty girl to solve mysterious evil
that we have already heard in briefings and seen
plan
or
something.
Sounds
like good popcorn material.
vividly depicted in powerpoints.
NESRA [R] 1:36 oyl

Airmen participating in a base beautification project
today discovered enormously high quantities of tiny
rocks, commonly called “sand” during their hour of
voluntolding today. Dosa Nattmine, a local airman
involved in the discovery, had this to say: “It was just
going to be another stretch of road we would clean,
same as any other. But the moment we left the
asphalt, it was everywhere. Like, I couldn’t even see
places that it wasn’t. I couldn’t believe it!” Dosa then
said she had gone back the way she had come,
claiming that sand was “really irritating”. The Base
Safety Office maintains that the sand is in fact safe, so
long as it isn’t ingested or inhaled in high doses, but
still can cause high amounts of anger and frustration, Summer heats up as local star grows
even if looked at for too long. If you are feeling sick or warmer
angry due to high sand exposure, it is recommended
All across base last week, airmen and that one
you seek assistance at Mental Health.
dependent have been melting alive, as the brutal sun’s
Leadership
maintains
strict
‘no- light that graces the base reached a new high. “Yeah…
I really just love to look at certain spots of earth. When
nonsense’ approach to base driving.
I look at them a lot, they turn brown, and I think that’s
With thousands of government-owned and leaved neat. It’s really the only thing I have to do around here
vehicles operating daily on-base, leadership reiterated anyway, so it passes the time.” The sun had little to say
safety while driving the streets on Monday. General when we brought up the complaints of airmen about
Lee Speekin had the following to say: “We want people the heat, only that it though we looked cool enough,
to be able to get to where they need to go, without
what with all our expensive sunglasses and nice shoes.
sweating their asses off – and the best way to do that
is cars. But if these airman can’t steer around the Chess expert claims he really thinks he
broad side of a barn, we’re going to have issues. If
is ready for competitive play, once he
airmen can’t put down their phones when they drive,
if they can’t look both ways, and can’t be cognizant of returns home.
people crossing the roads, then we might have to
remove those privileges to only mission-critical Local chess expert and water drinker Cadet Thore
Antired has been practicing chess for over 5 days.
needs.”
When asked about his deep dedication and intensive
Hunn Lehded, an airman and a self-proclaimed training program, Antired had this to say: “Well,
“driving enthusiast” found the broad stoke approach before I came on this deployment, I really didn’t play
to be demeaning. “I love to drive. I’m good at driving. a whole lot of chess. I liked it, but it was just kind of
So when leadership says things like that, punishing all ‘meh’. But after coming here, there was nothing to do
of us for a few mistakes of a new rotation, that makes except sleep and drink, so to cut back on all that water
me upset. I didn’t spend 5 years in high-school working I decided to pick up chess. At this point, I almost have
on donuts in parking lots just to get yelled at for my five-level, and I should qualify for an in-residence
‘airmen who can’t drive good’.” The airman also had a course at the Academy when I return. I hope to play
statement for those who cannot manage the stick- for the Airforce Chess team.”
shift present in some of the base vehicles; suffice to
The commander of the unit where Cadet Antired is
say, it was not fit to print.
job-shadowing, Major Harddas stated that “Antired is
Red and Blue bandannas sold-out at a total nerd, and someone should get him a beer.”

August 21st, Friday – Sinister 2 – James Ransone,
Shannyn Sossamon, Robert Daniel Sloan, Dartanian
Slaon. – Mom with two kids moves into scary house.
Appears to have cast a musketeer. NESRA [R] 1:37 oyl

August 21st, Friday – Some Kind of Beautiful – Pierce
Brosnan, Salma Hayek, Jessica Alba, Malcolm
McDowell – Poetry Professor (yes, you read that
correctly) reevaluates his love life. Puts the D in drama,
if you know what I mean. 5.9/10 ESR [R] ? oyl

August 21st, Friday – She’s Funny That Way – Imogen
Poots, Owen Wilson, Jennifer Aniston, Katheryn Hahn
– Owen Wilson has trouble picking between three
different girls in his life, while acting in a movie. 6.2/10
ESR. [R] 1:33 oyl

August 21st, Friday – Digging for Fire – Jake Johnson,
Rosemarie DeWitt, Orlando Bloom, Brie Larson – A
bone and gun play double-jeopardy in a weekend
mystery for a married couple. 6.1/10 ESR. [R] 1:25 oyl
August is Sandwich Month.

24 of the United States’ Astronauts are from Ohio.
Imagine how badly they must have wanted to get
away, to look up at the moon and say “There. That’s it.
That’s the dream…”
Book recommendation of the week:
Jurassic Park, by Michael Crichton

Iron Man and the Silver Surfer are actually alloys.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Old Spice.

Base Exchange, leading up to “Straight
Internet connection in dorms “Totally
Quotes of the Week:
out of Compton” showing.
blows.”
“Why weaken one’s king, when you can play quietly in
Three hours before the first showing, the Base
Exchange reported a complete lack of red and blue Bathroom stall wall shared the above statement, loud
bandannas. Before the film started, experts and proud. That pretty much sums it up, folks.
maintained that there was no correlation, and that red
and blue are simply the most fashionable colored
bandannas; with the heat, it was a perfect storm. After
the film ended, the Sand Rag reached out to the
experts who has been inside the theater to see if they

the middle, with no risk?”
~Chessmaster, Jeremy Silman

“I can imagine a world, with no violence and no war.
And then I can imagine us attacking that world,
because they would never expect it.”
- Jack Handy


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