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Dou˜e New‘ Network
Tribune
NOVEMBER 30, 2015

Corey Beffert, after most of a bottle of vodka

Corey Beffert’s
Brush With
Death!

Death Threats,
Deletions, and a
Day in Demented
Dick’s Diary

Corey’s drunken performance
consisted primarily of Corey staring
into the camera in a semi-catatonic
state, some effeminate deejay talk,
and a little bobbing around to techno
music.
The rockabilly raconteur
By SEEDERMAN
also took several extended bathroom
breaks. As one viewer commented,
By ARTURO BANDINI
"wtf am I doing here?" This seemed
PORTLAND, OR Spreecast su- to be the prevailing mood among the
perstar souse Corey Beffert drank viewers. At one point when Blotto
himself into a stupor on his seldom- Beffert appeared to be in need of 911
FEDERAL WAY, WA Creepy
viewed Spreecast program Saturday assistance, the viewer count reached Chris Dick’s holiday rampage continnight, alarming viewers who at- 13, an all-time high for the program. ues into its fourth day. After nearly
tempted to rouse him. With dark
thirty Periscopes in three days, plus
rings around his sunken eyes, the
Corey had once been a Kermit assorted Spreecast appearances and
bloated Corey said he "welcomes and Friends stalwart, but his appear- volleys of Tweets, Chris Dick shows
death" when a viewer expressed con- ances have diminished in frequency no sign of slowing his hellride to
cern that he may be hastening his and length in recent weeks. Beffert is self-destruction. Saturday’s advenvery demise. As of Sunday morn- said to be working on a Spreecast pro- tures included quitting Kermit and
ing, Las Vegas oddsmakers were giv- gram to compete with Elisa Jordana’s Friends and claiming he was fired
ing Corey a 30% chance of outliving popular program, but it is unclear if from it, cussing out Kermit host Elisa
even Chris Dick, who once was most this project is still on the drawing Jordana, conspiring with Jordana’s
widely seen as the KaF member most board, or if the current show is al- arch-nemesis Jimmy Linguini to bring
likely to die.
ready the promised competition.
down her show, getting a Spreecast

Douche News: Network Tribune
show pulled by Spreecast, recklessly
driving on the freeway, trespassing
on university grounds, and issuing
new death threats against beloved
DNN investigative journalist Seederman. Just another day in the life
of Corpulent Chris, whose quixotic
quest to self-immolate gathers steam.

NOVEMBER 30, 2015

2

Seederman again, secretly filming Bender’s rampage has not yet ended.
women without their knowledge
again, and stiffing a shoe shine girl.
All of these appeared in a series of
Periscopes, some of which have already been deleted. An attempt at a
Spreecast came unglued when Dingbat Dick attempted to cowardly ban
Seederman and Clear Cider and acSunday saw an angry Chris, cidentally disconnected his computer
railing against DNN reporter and from the Wi-Fi, ending the show
renowned musician Clear Cider, abruptly Stay tuned, the Blob on a
Reuters
threatening death on the hard-boiled


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