Hot Mess Express Contestant Packet .pdf
Original filename: Hot Mess Express Contestant Packet.pdf
Title: Hot Mess Express Contestant Packet
Author: Jamie Wilson
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HOT MESS EXPRESS “System”
Presented By Kakes Productions and C4 Nightclub & Lounge
All contestants should be checked into the dressing room of C4 by no later than 9:30PM and presentation will begin at 10:30PM. Please have your
CD/USB with you at the time of check-in. It should only have 2 tracks on it. Talent should be track one and a crowning song should be track two. Who
knows if we will even do a crowning number but have one ready any way? We’re not completely sure how this is going to go and we are just going to
play it all by ear. Kind of like a back yard wedding when the girl gets knocked up and the man is trying to do right by the kid.
Presentation: 20 points
Contestants outfit for presentation should be trashy. Think outfits your mom wears on laundry day. If you need inspiration, please visit any local trailer
park, coin operated Laundromat, your closest Marvin’s IGA or any business south of MLK (this includes any business in the Fort Smith area). However,
the only five o’clock shadow allowed in the pageant will be Lady Kakes Monroe’s. If you need a t-shirt or wife-beater provided, please contact Lady
Kakes Monroe no later than June 21st.
Judges and pageant officials should be dressed in classy attire. You want to look like you are better than everyone else in the room. Really get
yourself into Taylor Madison Monroe’s mindset. If you need any ideas on what wear, than you probably aren’t qualified to be judging or helping with
Gown and On-Stage Read: Gown: 50 points / Read: 30 points
Gown/Evening wear: Contestants should try looking both classy and trashy at the same time. Think 6 year old Hispanic in a wedding dress with
no shoes walking around wal-mart. You can also go see Lilo Monroe perform or find her on YouTube for ideas and inspiration. You will be walking to
Cameltoe. This is a song by Fannypack, not what you will see under the judging table where Laura Phillips will be sitting. So prepare yourself for a
faster walk than pageants you may have seen in the past. I can’t express to you enough, this isn’t you’re every day pageant. It’s going to be a mess,
so plan for accordingly. At any given time, any pageant official or judge may pass out drunk. If this happens, please continue on as if nothing
happened at all, I’m sure we will end up making up the scores anyway as Lady Kakes will be using the judge’s sheets to roll joints.
On-Stage Read: We want to make this part very clear. There are two areas in which you cannot venture. One being death. Do not discuss anyone
who has died, or the death of anyone’s family member or spouse. Rule number two, do not discuss anyone else’s STD/STI status. This is not your
business to share. That being said, we want you to have fun with this category. Please spill tea and read for filth. You should be funny, witty, and
hateful, all while maintaining both your own and everyone else’s dignity. Basically, don’t say anything that you think Taylor would say. She is hateful
and thoughtless to others feelings, all while not being the least bit funny. Also do not draw inspiration from Jamie Wilson; he is just not funny, and
Talent: 387 Points
This can be whatever you want. By this point in the pageant no one will be sober enough to remember what you did anyway. However, please no
liquids or fire. They are dangerous, messy, and take way too long to clean up. Our cleaning lady will be Jamie Wilson and trust me; no one wants to
see that walking around in a French maid outfit so lets keep talent clean please. Talent should be no more than 5 minutes. You will also have a 1minute set up and a 1-minute tear down. You will scored very heavily on how hard you make the judges and the audience laugh. You want to be
funny!!! Coming out and doing redneck woman in a pair of daisy dukes will not win you this pageant. Besides Lilo Monroe will probably have done that
the Sunday before the pageant as one of her normal numbers so there’s no point in doing it anyway. On top of that, Taylor Madison will most likely be
performing it at the pageant in a desperate attempt to one up Lilo.
Like all pageants, please respect the venue and the contestants and entertainers around you. Anyone caught stealing or tampering will be asked to
leave white trash style, meaning, one of the bouncers will throw you over their shoulder and you will be dropped in the gutter. To be fair, you were
probably going to end up there anyway. You did enter a Hot Mess Express Pageant.
We will allow for smoke breaks as often as possible. Both contestants and audience will be notified in the opening that when they hear the phrase
“Please welcome to the stage Taylor Madison Monroe” they will have approximately 5 to 23 minutes (depending on if she’s asked to announce out
the next entertainer) to light one up and get it smoked. However, if the audience is still all outside smoking we will probably be too so we’ll start it
back up whenever.
Contestant Legal Name: _______________________________________________________________
Contestant Signature: _____________________________________ Date: ______________________
© Kakes Productions & C4 Nightlclub
All Rights Reserved
Real name: ___________________________________ DOB:_________________
Stage Name: ________________________________________________________
Favorite Hard Liquor: ____________________________ Blood type: _____________
Zodiac Sign: ___________________________ Chinese Zodiac: ____________________
Favorite show on TLC: ____________________________________________________
Hostess q or Little Debbieq
Mayonnaise q or Miracle Whipq
Angel q or Charmed q
Which Family Guy character do you think you most resemble and why:
If you could be anything you could find at the dollar tree, what item would you be and why:
How many seasons of Squidbillies do you own? __________
How often do you frequent your neighborhood garage sales: ________________________
If that’s the case, why were you not at Patty’s last one?
Has anyone ever referred to you as a Lot Lizard? Yesq Noq, if yes why:
What name do you prefer to go by in your craigslist ads?
Please write a short craigslist ad for yourself:
The pageant officials and judges are discussing going in on a timeshare together. You in? Yes q No q
Anything else you would like us to know about you?:
© Kakes Productions & C4 Nightlclub
All Rights Reserved
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