feedback taeyong (PDF)

Heesan

A DMISSIONS

September 19, 2016

a few journal entries of lee, taeyong
from ages eight to age at present (some pages are missing, torn from binding):
01 july 2002 — weather: sunny
Today i got this journal from my appa! It’s my birthday, so i got it as a present i think. He
told me to write it in everyday, so I don’t forget everything. Especially the happy times. I am
always happy, so I will always be writing! Yay! I’m eight years old now! Happy birthday to
me! I can’t wait to find cool things and put it in my journal! Thank you, appa!
To taeyong, from taeyong
28 august 2002 — weather: rain
I’m starting school again and I hate it! I don’t know why my appa is making me go every year,
it makes me sad. The teachers treat us like babies and I don’t learn anything at all. Kids bully
me and eat my lunch when I’m not looking because I don’t have an umma, like all of them.
Is everyone supposed to have one? An umma? Appa tells me that some do and some don’t
and it’s not by my choice, but why do kids pick on me? I don’t know, journal, I don’t know….
I want to go home.
03 march 2006 — weather: cloudy
Today is my first day of the last year in this school. I’m off to middle school soon and unlike
the other kids, I’m not excited. Should I be? What’s there to expect there, it’s probably the
same as here. The bullying’s going to be the same, the teachers are going to be the same, and
me, I’m going to be the same. There’s no change and no hoping for one too. Hope won’t
make my umma come back, nor will it make my appa any happier.
The pages are almost done, so I don’t know if I’ll be writing often. But I’ll be back, journal, I
will. I’m not my umma.

Heesan

A DMISSIONS

01 july 2007 — weather:
Long time no see. It’s my thirteenth birthday. I found this journal on my desk one morning
and I assume that it was my appa again. Maybe he took notice that I wasn’t writing anymore
and bought me a new one. You look rather boring compared to the first one, but I’ll take it.
What you are inside is what matters. Middle school’s been boring as expected, but I did make
friends (or maybe they just wanted Pokemon cards I had). I would fill you in with things that
have been happening, but nothing happened and I feel that nothing will.
So bye for now.
26 september 2010
Look, I’m still writing in you. That’s how much shit happened through the years, yeah, none.
The girl I told you about a month ago dumped me today, earlier at school. People tapped me
on my shoulder, telling me that it’s going to be “okay”. Okay for what? I mean I wasn’t feeling
much different, maybe a little relieved? Yeah, but I don’t understand why they were consoling
me. For all I know, she was the one crying when she broke it off, so I don’t know.
Also, she told me the reason was because I didn’t “love” her back. I don’t understand; it’s not
like I promised her love and I didn’t ask for it either.
31 december 2012
A day before the new year. Something actually happened yesterday. I started a band. You
know the words I scribbled in you a few pages back? Yeah, those were lyrics. I guess I’ll like it,
considering that music was the only thing I enjoyed ever since my childhood.
I’m also finishing high school, so let’s see where that’ll take me.
14 january 2013
I met her today. At my father’s funeral. He died two days ago, after a drunk episode of his.
Heart attack, they said. I was the only relative by his side, so I met a few of his acquaintances,
whom I wasn’t familiar with at all. As soon as she walked into the service room, I knew. I
knew that she was my mother. She gave me a long, hard stare–of sympathy? Empathy?–
before proceeding to bow at my father’s casket. I scoffed. I told her that she caused this, which
she responded to by breaking down in tears. She apologized and clung on to me, but what
was I supposed to do? I told her that I was old enough to live my own life now and she cried
more.

Heesan

A DMISSIONS

At least I could now die knowing what her face looks like. The face of someone who betrayed
love for wealth.
This is why I don’t believe in love.