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Jan 9, 2017

Let me tell you about ordinary life. It means waking up to the sounds
of an unbearable alarm clock just so you can do the same things you did the
day before. It means wishing you could get back to sleep, back to pretending
you were dead to the rest of the world. Same old feelings creep up on me
every now and then. Retracing my footsteps as I walk down the street with
no place in particular to go to. With only having the need to go somewhere
else. Stopping at the same red light, going at the same green light. Almost
automatically making me feel robotic. The wave of cars rushing through back
and forth.
I just want to avoid meeting people, to remain almost invisible, and yet I end up
meeting you for the very first time. Life goes by, it goes and it goes. Moments
acting like passengers in a yellow taxi cab stuck on traffic hours only this time
you cascade me with the tune of your voice resonating across the walls. The
closest I’ll ever get to a choir of angels and when I see you pull your hair upwards
ever so gently, combing it with your hand, I see the face of God and God is a
girl and she is standing right in front of me.
The previous night I went to visit you. I’m not sure if you were happy to
see me,
but we talked for hours until closing time. It almost felt like a dream and I started
to question if I had truly woken up that morning at all. I’m well aware that you’re
already taken, but just being around you makes me forget about how ordinary
my life is as I’ve stated before. A few pages that know too much. Pages that
would rather catch on fire than let the truth be revealed to you. It’s raining
today. I relate to the rain drops once they clash so violently against the concrete
grounds of the street that lies outside, raindrops that dissipate only to dissolve.
I wish I could dissolve just like them.
Let me vanish and never return. Return to where? I never had my own
place to begin with. The constant sensation of being misplaced accompanies
me everywhere I go. As if I was a book that was left on the wrong side of the
shelf. Would you like to know my name? It is of no importance, mind you. My
name has no value for it belongs to no one. I am:
no one. The rain continues to fall down at a peculiar rhythm. Piercing through
thin sheets of cold fog. It appears that it won’t stop. The next morning the rain
was there, trickling over my window panes. It is cold, I enjoy cold rain.
You told me you were leaving soon. Didn’t know exactly when, but soon
In that moment I wanted to scream but I kept it all inside. Pain follows me now.
He is the unwanted visitor, but I need pain for I want to make sure I’m not numb
to the little things you tend to do. I like those. I like them a little bit too much,


Jan 9, 2017

I think. Today I heard the news. I don’t usually do that because the news gets
me more depressed. I feel depressed all the time, even when I don’t realize it
yet. All “good shit” in life is nothing but perishable goods in small packages with
fast expiration dates, but I digress. The news reporter said that the world was
coming to an end very soon. When? Nobody has got a clue when but they do
unanimously agree on the time period referred to as “soon”.
Which is odd since you also told me you’d be leaving “soon”. Was there
a connection there? Might as well be. What if I aim to confess my true feelings
before the world goes to shit? I wouldn’t want to risk it. People always say the
world will end “soon”.
It never does.
We’re expecting a full moon where right after it an eclipse will follow.
The eclipse, astrologist say, will last for several weeks. “Save your batteries,
stay close to your flashlights. Get your candles ready!” They said one Sunday
evening in the middle of the local baseball game coming to a sudden conclusion.
Right now I had this unavoidable urge to tell you how I really felt. I was fine with
being just friends but what’s the point of being casual acquaintances when the
entire world has written a goodbye letter and was waiting for the right time to
deliver it to the people of earth, the suckers that we were for thinking this would
last longer than it should? I do want
to die some day but not today, my friend. Today I want to at least give you hints
of how much you mean to me. Make you realize how much you’ve changed me.
Alas, I am socially awkward. It is a miracle in itself for me to be trying this hard
to keep reaching out to you even if I know the outcome remains forever futile.
At this very moment I find myself in my own room. Dozing off again. The phone
is ringing, too. For a moment I begin to wonder who’s the person continuously
harassing me with phone call after phone call even though eventually I let it ring
for ten, twenty, thirty minutes. Whoever is calling me
is being pretty persistent, too bad the caller has no idea how equally persistent
my laziness can be as well. Closing my eyes, I saw it. A majestic firmament
parting up leaving an opened gate. Like the clouds had been scratched by the
claws of an aggressive demon jaguar thing.
Was I going mad? Probably. The small television set in my bedroom kept
going on and on about impending dooms and ’Jesus can save you now!’ type
of sermons. Entire countries loosing it. Remaining unhinged. Attempting to
leave planet Earth claiming they have found another safer place to be in. That
afternoon we witnessed space crafts being shot at far away galaxies only to
explode a few seconds later taking the lives of their crew with them. But me?
I didn’t do anything. I sat on my old reclining chair. Thinking about her as the
entire world was slowly being flushed away.



Jan 9, 2017

The phone began to ring again. ‘Ring, ring’ it screeched. ‘Ring, ring’.
Should I pick it up? What do I have to loose right? I’m only loosing time. Time
I could be spending on a streak of uninterrupted and very long naps. ‘Ring,
“Hello? Who is this?” I could hear soft breathing at the other end of the phone.
“Don’t freak out okay. Somebody gave me your phone. I’ve been trying to reach
you, but you just wouldn’t come out of that place, whatever it is.”
“What? Who is this? And what do you mean ‘whatever it is’ this is my home
“Yeah, yeah. Fine. It’s your home. Listen, do you wanna go fuck around outside? Beats seating there on that shitty reclining chair any day of the week
right? I’ll promise I’ll be good!” She nagged.
“I’m gonna hang up okay. You sound like a total nutjob. What are you sixteen,
maybe fifteen?”
“Make up your mind, bucko. Is it sixteen, or fifteen? Do you have a thing for
younger girls? Are you a god damn pedophile? That’s totally fine with me
though. I mean, the world’s ending soon right? Who cares? I’m not that young
by the way. Actually turned nineteen. It was my birthday a couple of hours ago.
“I know you like that nurse from across the street. How come you always
go inside
this place. It looks pretty abandoned, like the rooftop could split in half at any
given instant.” I could hear her breathing. I hear what sounded like young
lips chewing gum. Images of cows ruminating on grass over and over came to
“Listen, kid. I don’t need your shit. You should have visited me when the world
wasn’t about to end in a couple of weeks.”
“Holy shit! The world’s ending in a couple of weeks? What a load of bull...” She
cackled. “You know it’s the same shit every year right?”
“Would be nice if it did end.” If you could listen to the tone of my voice you
could tell I was getting pretty tired of the entire pointless conversation we were
currently having.



Jan 9, 2017

“Look, I’m gonna go to this party where that cute nurse you like will be at. Her
boyfriend’s the dj for the night.”
“Cute what? Excuse me?” I tried to remain calm
“I know why you go to the same place all the time, man. You got the hots for
“You got the hots for her? What is this an eighties movie? Listen kid, stop
me. Let me meet my own impending doom in peace. OK? Could you do that
please?” For a bit there a strain of silence takes a hold of our conversation. I
thought it was good timing, until the girl goes back to talking.
“Nah. Don’t think so, bucko.”
This is how I met Marianne, but she kept insisting me to refer to her as “M”.


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