JulianBabad ComedyProse .pdf
Original filename: JulianBabad_ComedyProse.pdf
Author: Julian Babad
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January 10th, 2016
Ever since the recent acquisition of Starbucks by a mysterious
cult corporation (who’s name we can’t print here for sanity
quality of everyone’s favorite over-priced mega-franchise.
worry no more, high-functioning placebo addicts, because during
the darkest hour of this past solstice, CEO Elder Rl’Yeh of the
newly renamed ‘Cthulhu Coffee’ broke his Eternal Silence.
“We are proud to announce some changes to the Starbucks brand,”
said Rl’Yeh, “All of which I’m sure will. . .
Benefit you. . .
One noteworthy change--he later mentioned--is the
new two-tier membership, which replaces the Gold Card with the
ownership of their mortal soul).
And say goodbye to that introspective hipster music, because now
all ‘Cthulhu Coffee’ establishments will be playing sounds of
prefer to Bon Ivor and Coltrane).
Plus, the new ambience will
perfectly match the Hellfire temperature of your invigorating
natural pesticide drug/beverage.
Also, purchases over $50 earn you an environmentally-friendly,
reusable thermos, hewn from nightmarish artifacts of forgotten
civilizations, and branded with the new ‘Cthulhu Coffee’ logo
guarantee you’ve never seen before).
In the end, save for some corporate (and non-corporate) voodoo
little effect on your daily routine.
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