JulianBabad ComedyProse .pdf

Julian Babad
Comedy Prose
January 10th, 2016
CTHULHU COFFEE
Ever since the recent acquisition of Starbucks by a mysterious
cult corporation (who’s name we can’t print here for sanity
reasons),

there

have

been

concerns

regarding

the

continued

quality of everyone’s favorite over-priced mega-franchise.

But

worry no more, high-functioning placebo addicts, because during
the darkest hour of this past solstice, CEO Elder Rl’Yeh of the
newly renamed ‘Cthulhu Coffee’ broke his Eternal Silence.
“We are proud to announce some changes to the Starbucks brand,”
said Rl’Yeh, “All of which I’m sure will. . .
Immensely”.

Benefit you. . .

One noteworthy change--he later mentioned--is the

new two-tier membership, which replaces the Gold Card with the
Corporeal

Card®

subscribed

to

and
the

offers

Eternity

premium
Card®

free

coffee

(warranting

to

they

those
forfeit

ownership of their mortal soul).
And say goodbye to that introspective hipster music, because now
all ‘Cthulhu Coffee’ establishments will be playing sounds of
unimaginable

torment,

exclusively

prefer to Bon Ivor and Coltrane).

(which

I’m

sure

we’d

all

Plus, the new ambience will

perfectly match the Hellfire temperature of your invigorating
natural pesticide drug/beverage.
Also, purchases over $50 earn you an environmentally-friendly,
reusable thermos, hewn from nightmarish artifacts of forgotten
civilizations, and branded with the new ‘Cthulhu Coffee’ logo
(now

with

100%

more

tentacles,

and

featuring

a

color

we

guarantee you’ve never seen before).
In the end, save for some corporate (and non-corporate) voodoo
and

a

handful

of

apocalyptic

visions,

little effect on your daily routine.

the

change

will

have