Griffin Davis Portfolio.pdf

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Conservative Student Realizes that Biking to Campus
Makes Him Environmentally Conscious, Does as Much
Damage to Environment as Possible to Compensate

On Tuesday, third-year Mechanical Engineering major and self-proclaimed “Republican” (an
ineffective portmanteau of Republican and American) Glenn Riley made the horrifying
realization that his choice of biking to campus to everyday was in fact environmentally
conscious and thus implicitly a reaction to global warming, which he does not believe in.
“I didn’t see anything wrong with biking for the longest time,” said Riley. “It even seemed to
be in line with my values; I could just cut people off whenever I wanted and I always had the
right of way, even on sidewalk, where I could run over anyone I see with a co-op bag. Real
Darwinian “survival of the fittest” stuff. But then I see this freakin’ Environmental Studies
hippie riding his bike and he tells me he does it because it’s ‘good for the planet,’ which is