BadAss Resume (3) .pdf

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D. Jensen Thomas 
4216 N. McDONALD RD. 
Spokane Valley,  WA 99216 

Mission Statement 
My name is Jensen Thomas and sales get me hella juiced. I have tiger blood in my veins, as well as 
organs from some of the more cunning apes.  I  am 110% committed to winning, ALL the time. 
Technically still on the payroll  at a large tech company, but looking to jump ship on that dumpster 

March 1991 - April  1993 

Jammin’ Juice, San Luis Obispo, CA​ - Juice Jammer 

Started in on the ground floor of my buddy’s juice company. I worked there for 3 years, 
became vice-president, but after some accusations of insider trading came to light, we 
liquidated the juice company, and made a cool half million 

June 1995 - December 1999 

Enron, Houston, TX​ - Junior Executive 

Climbed the corporate ladder for a few years at Enron, but honestly I thought y2k was going 
to be a way bigger deal.  Liquidated all my assets and converted them to precious metals, 
bought a boat and spent a few years off the Somali Coast 

May  2006 - PRESENT 

Microsoft, Redmond, WA ​- R&D Specialist 

After realizing the world hadn’t ended and deciding to get back into the corporate game, I 
figured the ​Blade-Runner/Total Recall​ aesthetic was going to be at the height of popularity. 
Was instrumental in the launching of the Zune ™ Didn’t catch on like I’d hoped,  People 

found it, “monstrously large” and “off-putting” and “not user-friendly”  customers weren’t 
ready for the sleek, dazzling interface that personified the early 90s alt future 

1993 - 1995 

Super Classified NASA/Haliburton Joint Training Academy, Location Redacted​ - 
Lorem Ipsum Dolor Sit Amet, Fig and Plumbs full member 
Was specially chosen for elite business training.  Further information provided upon verification of 

Intramural Karate Tournament Champion, 1982, sold life-rights to the ​Karate Kid​ franchise 

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