Gucci and the Bowflex (PDF)

GUCCI & THE BOWFLEX

Written by
Jeff Mahoney

94 Bedros Lane, Halifax N.S, Canada
(902)441-3288

EXT. RICH HOUSE IN RICH NEIGHBORHOOD
1993 gold Toyota Camry Pulls up and a pizza guy gets out.
He’s white, in his late teens, is goofy with big ears (kind
of like a young Jim Carey).
The Pizza Guy approaches the half lit house and rings the
bell. No answer. He knocks. Still no answer.
He hears music faintly and notices a light on in the garage
so he walks around to the side garage door and knocks.
Door opens on chain and an eye pokes out. Door closes and reopens without the chain.
DARNEL- Imagine 50 Cent with toothpick in his mouth, wearing
a du-rag, wife beater, and sweatpants doing a Tracy Morgan
Impersonation.
You a cop?

DARNEL

PIZZA GUY
What? No.. I have your pizza sir
DARNEL
Sir? Do I look like yo daddy, get
yo ass inside.
Pizza Guy steps inside, Darnel pokes his head out and looks
both ways, he then closes and chains the door. Pizza Guy
looks scared with funny face.
INT. GARAGE WITH 2 COUCHES (SOFA). ONE AT THE BACK WALL
FACING THE GARAGE DOOR AND A COUCH AT THE GARAGE DOOR (FRONT)
FACING THE BACK WALL. BETWEEN THE COUCHES ALONG THE SIDE
WALLS ARE NUMEROUS IGUANNA AND REPTILE TANKS. IN THE CENTER
OF THE ROOM IS A BOWFLEX FACING THE GARAGE DOOR AND THE
PEOPLE ON THE FRONT COUCH
ON THE COUCH IN THE BACK ARE A FEW HOOD BLACK GIRLS, ON THE
COAUCH IN THE FRONT ARE TWO HOOD BLACK GUYS (ONE FAT AND ONE
SHORT AND SKINNY), AND ON THE BOWFLEX IS ANOTHER HOOD GUY
(Average size).
DARNEL
Who ordered pizza?
SKINNY GUY
Who you think ordered pizza?

2.

Man F you

FAT GUY

PIZZA GUY WALKS ACROSS ROOM TO FAT GUY, GIVES HIM PIZZA AND
IS TAKING PAYMENT
DARNEL (TO GUY ON BOWFLEX)
START REPPIN THE BOWFLEX
GUY ON BOWFLEX STARTS DOING REPS
EVERYONE IN THE ROOM
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10,
11...12....13
Pizza Guy turns to see guy on Bowflex fight for the last
couple of reps.
PIZAA GUY
Alrighty, well its been fun
Pizza guy balls up Pizza Bag and starts walking toward door
Darnel is standing in-front of the door, he looks the pizza
guy up and down as he’s walking toward the door. Darnel takes
the toothpick out of his mouth, licks his lips and then sucks
his teeth before saying:
DARNEL
You look pretty thick, boy.
I tell you what.
Get onda Bowflex
PIZZA BOY
Umm thats ok
DARNEL
I insist. Get onda Bowflex
GIRL 2 IN BACK
Yea, common pizza boy
PIZAA GUY
I would but I don’t think my boss
would be very happy
DARNEL
What’s yo bosses name
Uh, Joe

PIZAA GUY (LOOKS CONFUSED)

3.
DARNEL
Well you tell Joe that Darnel say,
if Joe got a problem, then Joe can
come see Darnel.
Now get.onda.Bowflex
PIZAA GUY
*Gulp* Sure thing Darnel
Pizza guy sets down pizza bag gets on Bowflex nervously,
grabs the cables and begins doing reps.
EVERYONE IN THE ROOM
1,2,3------DARNEL (HEAVY TRACY MORGAN VOICE)
GUCCI!!, get OFFDA BOWFLEXXX!!
Pizza guy looks down and sees chubby english bulldog climbing
on his legs.
Darnell grabs him and pulls him back
DARNEL (CONT’D)
What you stoping for? Theres no
breaks in the jungle, and theres no
breaks on the Bowflex.
PIZAA GUY
Sorry about that Danrel
DARNEL
I know you are, keep going
Pizza guy starts again
EVERYONE IN THE ROOM (EXCEPT DARNEL)
4,5--------1,2

DARNEL (LOUDER THAN EVERONE)

Darnel gives everyone an evil eye and they all nervously join
him.
DARNEL AND EVERONE ELSE
3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10..
DARNEL
GUCCI!!, get OFFDA BOWFLEXXX!!
This time the Pizza Guy keeps going and everyone else keeps
counting. Darnel grabs Gucci and then rejoins everyone
counting.

4.
EVERYONE IN THE ROOM
14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21
Pizza guy is going fast and is showing no sign of fatigue
GIRL 1 IN BACK
AWWW Darnel. He bout to beat yo
record
Darnel turns to girl (accidentally releasing Gucci who goes
right back to Bowflex)
DARNEL
Ya and you bout to be on a milk box
Darnel turns back to Bowflex
DARNEL (CONT’D)
GUCCI!!, GET OFF DA BOWFLEXXX!!
23,24,25

EVERYONE IN THE ROOM

SMALL GUY ON COUCH
Ohhh shit Darnel he just broke yo
record.
AVERAGE GUY ON COUCH
Ya an he aint even breathin heavy.
FAT GUY ON COUCH
Ya Darnel we though you was dead
after yo set
Darnel gives guys a dirty look and then notices the girls
still counting (the only ones left).
GIRLS IN THE BACK (STILL COUNTING)
28,29,30,31
He looks at them and they stop counting. The room is silent
except the noise from the Bowflex as the Pizza Guy is still
going. Darnel looks back at Bowflex. Pauses and stares for a
few seconds at the Pizza Boy(oblivious)
DARNEL
Alright, that’s enough pizza boy.
GET OFFDA BOWFLEX!
PIZAA GUY
You got it Darnel

5.
Pizza guy gets up and Darnel stuffs the balled up pizza bag
into his stomach and makes crazy eyes.
DARNEL
Now make like that pizza you
brought and disappear
Pizza guy looks over and sees fat guy take his last bite, his
jaw drops.
Pizza Guy walks to the door, unlocks the chain, opens the
door and walks out.