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Unconditional Parenting .pdf



Original filename: Unconditional Parenting.pdf
Title: Unconditional Parenting
Author: Alfie Kohn

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Unconditional
Parenting
MOVING FROM
REWARDS AND PUNISHMENTS
TO LOVE AND REASON

Alfie Kohn

AT R I A
NEW YORK

LONDON

BOOKS

TORONTO

SYDNEY

Praise for Alfie Kohn and

Unconditional Parenting
“Unconditional Parenting is going to make you think—hard—about
the type of relationship you want to have with your child, about your
parenting priorities, and about how to avoid many of the mistakes of
our predecessors. It’s what we’ve come to expect from Alfie Kohn, and
this is unquestionably one of his most persuasive, important works.
For your sake and your child’s . . . read it!”
—Ross W. Greene, author of The Explosive Child

“Witty and thought-provoking. . . . This lively book will surely rile
parents who want to be boss. Those seeking alternative methods of
raising confident, well-loved children, however, will warmly embrace
Kohn’s message.”
—Publishers Weekly

“This book underscores an important parenting principle: Discipline is
more about having the right relationship with your child than having
the right techniques.”
—William Sears, The Baby Book and
The Discipline Book

“I found myself wanting to underline every other sentence of Unconditional Parenting, which is different from—and a refreshing challenge
to—most other books about raising children. It’s entertaining enough
so that you can read it quickly, but it’s so packed with thoughtprovoking ideas that you’ll want to take your time.”
—Barbara Coloroso, author of Kids Are Worth It!

“A gift to parents! Armed with voluminous research, Alfie Kohn
exposes the harm inherent in widely accepted disciplinary practices
and offers a variety of powerful alternatives that make it possible for
children to become their most thoughtful, caring, responsible selves.”
—Adele Faber, author of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen &
Listen So Kids Will Talk

“Alfie Kohn holds a crucial position in the American dialogue on parenting. Unconditional Parenting is a very important book that can challenge, support, and even change our perspective on what parents do.”
—Michael Gurian, The Wonder of Boys and
The Wonder of Girls

“Alfie Kohn does it again: He takes a topic (parenting) that has been
studied and written about for years and gives us a wise way of adjusting our lenses so that we really see it clearly. He doesn’t give simple
rules, he gives deep understanding and a core foundation for parents.”
—JoAnn Deak, author of Girls Will Be Girls

Also by Alfie Kohn

NO CONTEST:
THE CASE AGAINST COMPETITION

THE BRIGHTER SIDE OF HUMAN NATURE:
ALTRUISM AND EMPATHY IN EVERYDAY LIFE

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY . . . :
THE TRUTH ABOUT POPULAR BELIEFS

PUNISHED BY REWARDS:
THE TROUBLE WITH GOLD STARS, INCENTIVE PLANS,
A’S, PRAISE, AND OTHER BRIBES

BEYOND DISCIPLINE:
FROM COMPLIANCE TO COMMUNITY

EDUCATION, INC.:
TURNING LEARNING INTO A BUSINESS

[EDITOR]

WHAT TO LOOK FOR IN A CLASSROOM . . .
AND OTHER ESSAYS
THE SCHOOLS OUR CHILDREN DESERVE:
MOVING BEYOND TRADITIONAL CLASSROOMS AND
“TOUGHER STANDARDS”

THE CASE AGAINST STANDARDIZED TESTING:
RAISING THE SCORES, RUINING THE SCHOOLS

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE WELL EDUCATED?
AND MORE ESSAYS ON STANDARDS, GRADING, AND OTHER FOLLIES

Unconditional
Parenting
MOVING FROM
REWARDS AND PUNISHMENTS
TO LOVE AND REASON

Alfie Kohn

AT R I A
NEW YORK

LONDON

BOOKS

TORONTO

SYDNEY

1230 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10020
Copyright © 2005 by Alfie Kohn
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce
this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever.
For information address Atria Books, 1230 Avenue
of the Americas, New York, NY 10020
The Library of Congress has cataloged the hardcover edition as follows:
Kohn, Alfie.
Unconditional parenting : moving from rewards and punishments to love
and reason / Alfie Kohn.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
1. Parenting 2. Parent and child. 3. Parental acceptance. 4. Child rearing. I. Title.
HQ755.8.K65 2005
649'.1—dc22
2004062371
ISBN: 1-4165-3183-1
Visit us on the World Wide Web:
http://www.SimonSays.com

AT R I A

B O O K S is a trademark of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

1

1: CONDITIONAL PARENTING

10

2: GIVING AND WITHHOLDING LOVE

24

3: TOO MUCH CONTROL

46

4: PUNITIVE DAMAGES

63

5: PUSHED TO SUCCEED

74

6: WHAT HOLDS US BACK?

93

7: PRINCIPLES OF UNCONDITIONAL PARENTING

117

8: LOVE WITHOUT STRINGS ATTACHED

140

9: CHOICES FOR CHILDREN

167

10: THE CHILD’S PERSPECTIVE

191

APPENDIX • Parenting Styles: The Relevance of Culture,
Class, and Race

212

NOTES

222

REFERENCES

243

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

255

INDEX

257


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