Collected Screenplays (PDF)

COLLECTED SCREENPLAYS
By
Andy Heck Boyd

~

COLLECTED SCREENPLAYS PAGES 5-74
LAST TOTAL BEE: 5-14
KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE (TV): 15-17
A DISS OF AERSOL IN PRINCETON: 18-24
PIG WAS AND OR IS: 25-32
DEEP FRIED FRANZ KLINE: 33-37
SLOT OF BANJI 2: 38-67
CASPER THE FRENCH INQUISITION NAMED BLOG: 68-74

COLLECTED SCREENPLAYS, WRITTEN BY
ANDY HECK BOYD, MARCH 2016
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED © ® ™ 2016

LAST TOTAL BEE
An original Screenplay
By Andy Heck Boyd
March 2016
FADE IN:
EXT. HARVEST WOODS - DAWN
A big truck driving in the woods. It is dark, and the moon is
shining big and bright. Driving the Cheeto’s truck is a red-eyed
weasel named Gunter.
CU of a flower in bloom, on the side of the road.
CU of a cigarette in the ashtray, fresh and unlit.
It is almost completely silent inside the cab, except for the oldies
playing on radio.
GUNTER
Come on you piece… OF SHIT!
The dirt road he’s on runs parallel with the main road.
GUNTER
With the Jesus and the jury.
Gunter takes out his flipfone and autodials, Pepe.
GUNTER
Hi, its Gunter.
PEPE
Hey Gunter, got some donuts?
GUNTER
Ya, I do, I got the order, and I’ll be there in less than five minutes.
Just letting you know I’m a little behind schedule.

PEPE
Ya, okay thanks. Sounds good,
thanks for calling Gunter.
GUNTER
Ya, absolutely.
PEPE
Yep. Okay.
Gunter collapses the flipfone, throws it on the bouncing seat. He
lights up the cigarette with the red-hot cigarette lighter, and
coughs.
As he gets closer to the turnoff onto the main road, Adam And
The Ants song plays, Dog Eat Dog, on the radio.
The truck flies down the hill. Takes a shortcut through a field, and
flops onto the main road, chunks of gravel and sod hit the road
under the large tires. Gunter focuses on the road, with nonworking headlights (Driving by moonlight) with a seizure like
intensity.
CU of the exhaust pipe spitting out black fumes.
Gunter drives past the large pile of word (the remains of an old
school house) at the quiet intersection, past a giant Mobil Gas
Sign, that strangely looks over a large horse farm, and just down
the road is the actual Mobil Station.
Attached to the Mobil Station is a coffee shop, ‘Last Total Bee’ a
sort of diner, coffee shop. Theres a parking lot, with two cars
already, (belonging to the morning shift) and out in back of the
property is a large empty house, the Henry Manor, sitting ontop
of a hill, much in the style of the movie, ‘Psycho’.
EXT. MOBIL GAS STATION - DAWN
Gunter pulls up to the backdoor. The breaks sqeal, thick black
fumes exhale from the truck’s exhaust. Huffing and puffing.
Gunter jumps down. Tosses his cigarette. Knocks on the back
door.

Gunter looks at his nails. Files them a bit.
Gunter knocks a second time on the back door. His face makes
an annoyed but calm expression.
INT. BACKROOM – DAWN
A frog with bright red hair, similar to a Bart Simpson haircut,
orange shirt and blue shorts opens the door.
PEPE
Hey. Man you smell like cigarette smoke.
GUNTER
Yeah, boy oh boy, I tell you what.
Pepe appears to have an erection in his blue shorts.
GUNTER
Bette. Where is she, shaving her legs?
Gunter leans inside and waves to Bette.
CUT TO
INT. LAST TOTAL BEE - DAWN
Pepe and Gunter load the plastic crates filled with donuts next to
the oven. Pepe puts the bags of extra dough into the
refrigerator.
GUNTER
Where’s Bette?
PEPE
I think she’s taking a shit, piss, and farting.
GUNTER
Oh, true, true.
Gunter hands the receipt over to Pepe. Pepe smiles.
Gunter and Pepe shake hands.

SLOW-ZOOM to Gunter and Pepe holding hands looking at each
other with a type of casual integrity. Pepe slowly lifts Gunter’s
hand, kissing his knuckles, with his soft wet lips. Then Gunter
follows suit, slowly lifting Pepe’s hands and kissing his knuckles
with dry smoky lips.
CUT TO
INT. BATHROOM - DAWN
Bette was indeed shitting, pissing and farting. Now she’s sitting
on the toilet reading ‘Readers Digest’. Bette looks like Snoopy,
the cartoon dog? Except she looks like Snoopy with a blonde wig
and green eye shadow, has breasts, and a vagina.
CUT TO
INT. BACKROOM - DAWN
Pepe is placing the donuts on the oven rack to bake. Music is
playing, Rolling Stones song, Brown Sugar. Pepe isn’t paying
attention to the music.
PEPE (INNER VOICE)
I need vitamins for my brain. I need vitamins for my brain. I need
vitamins for my brain. I need itamins for my brain.
INT. BATHROOM - DAWN
Bette is standing up, panties and skirt down around her feet,
she’s wiping her ass, simultaneously checking the dirty toilet
paper.
Sound of a lion roaring far off, maybe in the woods. The lights in
the bathroom, dim and glow pink. Then go back to flourescent
lamp lighting.
CU of Bette’s butt, she farts and her asshole opens and then
closes, the muscles contract. She pulls up her panties and skirt,
and flushes the toilet. There are two Happy Little Elves watching,
from a hole in the floor boards. They have been watching the
entire time. Filming it, as it were.

EXT. MAIN ROAD – MORNING
As the sun rises over the trees the sound of a vacuum cleaner is
heard. Coming closer into view is a figure. Its Uncle Matt, he’s a
golden dog with red suspenders, big tongue hanging out of his
mouth, drooling. 24 carot gold dog. Solid gold. And he’s sitting on
a modified vacuum cleaner with wheels, moving him slow but
steadily on the side of the road. A few cars drive past.
DOLLY SHOT alongside Uncle Matt riding the vacuum, his
tongue flapping in the air. He has a bad back. He got in an injury
after the Great Dog War of 2009. He was a commando. His paws
were considered lethal weapons.
Uncle Matt drives by the Mobil Station. Giving the middle finger
to Bette. Bette gives the middle finger right back.
Uncle Matt spins off the road and into the grass, in the ditch. He
moans, in ecstasy. Licks a dirty piece of wood. And screams. His
eyes open and close like bagpipes. Toot! Toot! Hoot! Hoot! Toot!
Toot! Then he starts grappling the long dewy grass and rolls onto
some litter, like empty beer cans, and empty bags of potato
chips, and starts slowly humping the Earth.
Running around the corner of Cottage Road, onto Main Road, is
Beerzy.
Beerzy is a round ball of fur, he’s a fat dog. With a red baseball
cap that has an abnormaly long lid, that goes out 1 foot in front of
him. Beerzy has a bag of tomatoes. His feet are covered in
blood, dragging the flesh. He moans like a tiger, even though
he’s a dog.
Beerzy throws a tomato at the front door of a house. It misses its
mark and lands on the steps. Splat! And red slow motion tomato
chunks fly and spit out like a bullet through an apple. Explode!
When Beerzy gets to the Mobil Station, he sneaks up beside it.
Peaking around for Bette’s bent over butt.
Bette is walking back and forth picking up cigarette butts and
small pieces of trash.