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Ra Té Today Issue 1 .pdf


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RA TÉ

TODAY

Price: 1 Spud

The MOST Bang for your Buck

YOU HUFF AND PUFF,
I’LL BLOW YOU AWAY
After it came out recently UK Prime Minister David Cameron was behind (or in
front of) having the innocent Marvis pig
out on some sausage, there have been
a few question marks left around Marvis himself. Who is Marvis? Why was he
dead where David Cameron was getting
one away? We know the incident has led
to Cameron’s resignation as Prime Minister, but the prime ribs making up the xylophone of this story are missing - that’s
exactly what Peppa his sister, Spoink his
father and Babe his mother are here to tell
us about today. They have all given their
own account of Marvis and of the incident.

“Marvis, gee. Marvis never folded at a
fork in the road, every time we saw him
after he left the sty he had some sort of
new unique, genuine affectation lining
his glowing radiance in the room.” Seems

The pain drenched hearts of
SECTION.80
sexual assault victim Marvis
This week’s song:
The Pig’s family have leaked
Cartoon
& Cereal
they’re emotion at witnessing
This
week’
s
guest: James
the crude insertion exclusively
Fresco of Del Fuego. So we’re
to Ra Té Today.
both big Kendrick fans and
all eggs and bacon from Spoink’s point of his hooves and the botox!” This inspired decided to look at a non alview. In alignment with his words, Marvis us to take a walk through Marvis’ room bum track to see how it fitwas about to enter his penultimate stage and what was left of his stuff, as he was ted in with the tale of the rest
of training at Hendon Police College with visiting home at the time of his death. of his discography. Cartoon
& Cereal was released bea predicted distinction; a winner’s medal
Section 80 and GKMC.
from the 2011 Gloucester Cheese Roll We found a batch of nexup items, which tween
After listening, it became
hanging aloof from the hay in his room. we thought were clues, including: a sign clear why this was the case
from an old protest reading ‘Bliar’ which - the narrative at the beginTo most he seemed nothing short of a was like one of them visual smells like from ning of the song places us
Dun’kno Danepak, but proceedings grew a cartoon what led us to believe Marvis in a timezone just before
sourly bleak as Babe overturned some of was in fact involving himself in political af- GKMC and at the back end of
Marvis’ rocks. When asked about Marvis’ fairs, in whatever fashion. Then it hit us, Ronald Reagen’s presidency,
social life, Babe told us, “Well he would we hadn’t interviewed his sister Peppa yet! the era about which Section 80
is based on. Kendrick tells us
turn up unannounced every time. That
always clouded Marv in suspicion in my “So Peppa, tell us what you knew about how he was “born into
sandbox” which we’ve intereyes, whereas his father thought it made about Marvis’ life outside of the sty.” apreted
as Compton, the mAAd
him seem cool or outstanding in some “Yeah, we go protest against political op- city. He’s told he won’t live past
way and missed some obviously clues to pression, it wasn’t working so Marvis of- 25 and that all he sees is Wile E.
a dangerous secret lifestyle. The swelling fered himself as a tribute to the underlord Coyotes in the room,
of his tongue that Spoink thought was a Cameron, and now we have a fair society.” referring to the numfunny accent he’d put on, the splinters in
ber of people in the streets
carrying weapons and gang
culture on the whole. Ultimately though, the sound of C&C,
a trap drum beat and an
• Burn the fluffly edges off of your roach very with
electronic melody didn’t quite
fit the sound of Good Kid. For
briefly to avoid a tarry end.
those reasons we believe it was
• Grind or cut your tobacco and mix with the released as a signle, contrary
to the popular understanding it was leaked and therefore
weed as it smokes better.
discarded
• Scrunch your paper up for a smoother
from the
2012 album.
smoke.
Overall
score
• Longer roaches can protect from lip burn.
7.4/10

JOINT OF THE WEEK ROLLING TIPS

Free Roach
Paper

Free Roach
Paper

Free Roach
Paper

have legitmately influenced or inspired
Riley’s actions. Reinforced now is the
glum stigma of criminalism unfairly following drugs like that fish what hangs out
on sharks’ stomachs. What’s more, this
use of the attack as a pilot to drive their
right wing, anti drug agenda completely
contradicts and trivialises their empathy
towards the victim, farse! Real, honest,
true news, like The Trews and not Ra Te
Today, are imperative to our society.

Free Roach
Paper

Free Roach
Paper

Free Roach
Paper

Free Roach
Paper

Sun first mentioned the ex-boyrfiend in
the article, it went a little something [exactly] like this, “Drug user Anthony Riley...” and went on to say how he arranged
the attack and talked about their relationship, or now lack of. In doing this, from
my point of view, they’ve attached an addiction to a gruesome event, as if to persuade that drugs were the driving reason
behind it. Bear in mind they mentioned
no drug in particular and/or how it may

Free Roach
Paper

Free Roach
Paper

Free Roach
Paper

won’t let it stop her from achieveing her
dreams or leading what she defines as a
normal life. That’s the context, what I’m
picking at here, though, is how The Sun
worded the article. An ex-boyfriend was
behind the scheme to make the victim
Butlins’ new most sought after performer
in that she now effortlessly and defaulty is
the world’s most accurate One Eyed Willy
lookalike. Ice cold, right (except for the
burning). But back to the point, when The

Free Roach
Paper

Free Roach
Paper

Free Roach
Paper

Free Roach
Paper

Free Roach
Paper

So before I start, I’d like to make it clearer
than windows after the Miss Consuela
treatment that it is The Sun newspaper
I’ll be criticising here. Totally not even
contructively either bro. James and I,
unfortunately, were unable to source the
article itself, but I’ve the key quotes and
story knowledge to form an opinion here,
you’ve my word. The article was based
around the victim of an acid attack after speaking out about it, citing how she

OI NA, REAL TALK

LEAGUE TABLES
WORDS FOR
MARIJUANA

PENG CHARTS

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10

Shakira
Heather Sears
Miss. Clark
Greeks
Whoever’s Boinking
Charlie Hunnam
Clair From Work
Anna Kendrick
Jessica Rabbit
Blonde One Off
Jurassic Park
Chelsea Physio

1
2
3
4
5
6
=
8
9
10

Leafle Spliffle
Devil’s Lettuce
Pleasure Pipe
Left Handed Cig
Herbal Essences
DanKrow
Biftah
Harry’s Wand
Ganj
Zooch

G AL!

AnD ANOTHER!

The champions, player of the year, London’s
first European champions - we all remember
and respect that, right? A home draw with mid
flying Swansea and being strangled to a heavy
loss to title rivals Manchester City does not reflect this. Chelsea have been poor so far. But
who’s talking about hapless Hazard or woeful
Willian? Nobody is, they’re too busy applying
attention to Mourinho and boy has he planned
on hogging it. The squabble with his medical
staff and decision to substitute John Terry at
half time have filled the vast majority of the
post match discussions. Questioning Mourinho on his decisions or morals, whether correctly or incorrectly is Mourinho’s gameplan.
He’s protected his players from all blame or
pressure from the press and fans. This redirection of attention is one of the strokes of genius
that qualify Jose as the best there is at his job.

RUFF READY RIDDIMS
Kendrick Lamar - u
NAS - NY State of Mind
John Fruscianate - Falling
Joey Bada$$ - Haezus View

What’s in and what’s out this week
ALBUMS OF 2015

YOUTUBE VIDEOS

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10

To Pimp A
Butterfly
B4.DA.$$
Tetsuo & Youth
I Don’t Like Shit,
I Don’t Go Outside
Mr. Wonderful
If You’re Reading
This It’s Too Late
The Growing
Process
At. Long. Last.
ASAP
Love Story
Cherry Bomb

Smoke Spots

Cricket to Americans
Amaro & Walden
Michael Rosen YTP

(Experiments on the Cat)

Berdthday Boy
The Elephant’s Garden
Bob on a TV Show
For Free? / Alright
We Are The Polis
Street Fighter Goat
Slam Dunk 2014
Canterbury

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10

*click* Nice
Kenny Lamb
*tut* aaaaaiiye
Swag
(Negative)
2 2s Na
Hoe Base
Gling
Swag
(Positive)
Rassic
Gulstin’

Pole Hill Park 51.635045, -0.006008

7
View
8
Stealthiness 3
Wildlife
7
Polis Radar 6
Cleanliness

STORY WITH A MESSAGE

Couple years back right, not even gona lie yeah man
like Uncz gotta be one of the dankest of honkeys. His
girlfriend though, 2 2s now she’s some next heathen,
been uni for it and everything. AlDOE, she collected
all the snow what was meant to fall on Christmas and
brought it to us for new years. Dench. So the jokes
ting is, Uncz and his gf was talking ‘bout, “What you
saying ‘bout Henry.” Of course being men tuned into
our drug slang like any man tuned into Kenny Lamb,
me and my Bredrin Matt and Jack knew what they
was voacbbin’. Next thing, SLAM, we demand lines,
chatting splash like we’re black lines off a barcode
and we’re bare lonely. Cheese. Now we kickin’ it like
Bronson, truly on the come up. So what do we do?

A Tribe Called Red - Look at This
Flap! - Solitude
The Cat Empire - The Chariot
Run the Jewels - DDFH
Earl Sweatshirt - Wool

NEW SLANGS

4
Accessibility 10
Phone Signal 5
Shops
7 Overall
Rain Protection 5 62/100
Sitting

Come down, down the stairs that is, on a snow sled,
into the unforgiving radiator and jagged edge filled
mouth of the downstairs landing. Not even chatting splash I go down and the white rush has some
dench lovechild wth the adrenaline of going down
the stairs, innit. “Gotta up the anty” I thought and
sledded down like it was a skateboard. Hit that floor
like it kidnapped my daughter, proper dench. Look
down, little finger’s more bent than Darren eating a
banana, but you’ll know, that shit dope when you
buzzing off your breasts. So night goes on, have a few
more antics and whatnot, comes midnight and only
person left to kiss is Jack, and his half a foot amazon
like beard. Funny, but no street credibility. Morale of
the story - never trust ur uncle’s gf.

‘Parrots have gone a bit quiet
since pirates have gone.’
- Karl Pilkington


Ra Té Today - Issue 1.pdf - page 1/2
Ra Té Today - Issue 1.pdf - page 2/2

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