James Bond Rep Parts v3 .pdf

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Original filename: James Bond- Rep Parts v3.pdf
Title: Untitled
Author: Cameron Coulter

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9/30/15, 7:14 PM

(CAMERON COULTER)
JAMES BOND: REPLACEMENT PARTS ~VILLAIN:/BOND:/Q:
(OPEN ON: EIFFEL TOWER
OBSERVATION DECK, NIGHT. A
VILLAIN IS CRAWLING AWAY,
NUCLEAR BOMB CLENCHED TO CHEST.
BOND APPROACHES, LASER PISTOL
DRAWN.)
VILLAIN
You seem to have got me, Mr. Bond.
BOND
The thing about turning tables. Is
knowing when to stop them.
(BOND'S LASER CHARGES AS HE
TAKES AIM.)
VILLAIN
No, please, wait!
(HE HOLDS STEADY FOR A MOMENT
AND FIRES. NOTHING IS EMITTED)
GUN
The time is eleven twenty two P.M.
(BOND IS CONFUSED, AS IS THE
VILLAIN. HE RAISES AND FIRES)
GUN
The time is eleven twenty two P.M.
(BOND CHECKS THE SAFETY, THEN
STARTS RAPIDLY FIRING THE GUN,
RECEIVING THE SAME MESSAGE. HE
CEASES AND LOWERS IT)
GUN
The time is eleven twenty three
P.M.
(BOND TURNS AWAY FROM THE
VILLAIN)
about:blank

Page 1 of 8

9/30/15, 7:14 PM

BOND
Don't move. (to self) I can't
believe this.
(BOND MOVES HIS WATCH TO HIS
FACE, A SPLIT SCREEN APPEARS AND
WE SEE Q ON THE OTHER SIDE)
Q
Ah, hello double-o-seven! Mission
proceeding as planBOND
Q. Why does my gun tell me what
time it is?
Q
I'm sorry, what was that?
BOND
Why does my laser pistol, when I
pull the trigger, not fire, but
instead tell the time.
Q
Oh, well... it's a clock.
BOND
A clock?
Q
Yes, a time teller.
(A SILENCE ENSUES. FOR THE FIRST
TIME EVER, BOND IS UNSURE HOW TO
PROCEED)
Q
So do you remember how we added the
laser attachment to your watch?
BOND
Yes.
Q
When we added that feature, we had
about:blank

Page 2 of 8

9/30/15, 7:14 PM

to remove the parts from the laser
pistol to make it. On a similar
note, we had to remove the watch
components from their housing as
well. So we swapped them. With our
budget there is no need to be
wasteful.
BOND
When were you planning on telling
me this? What if I had been in an
engagement?
Q
I thought you knew. I thought
everyone knew.
BOND
How would I know that? I'm not in
the lab all bloody day. It's not
common knowledge that if it looks
like gun, it's actually a watch.
(THE VILLAIN BEGINS TO INCH
AWAY)
Q
Oh, well excuse me for presuming
that you might have some interest
in what goes on behind the scenes.
There are many people who work-.
BOND
Hold on.
(BOND PULLS OUT HIS P99 AND
FIRES TWO SHOTS, ONE INTO EACH
OF THE VILLAIN'S KNEECAPS)
BOND
I didn't say you could move! We

about:blank

Page 3 of 8

9/30/15, 7:14 PM

have real guns too. Not just
imaginary ones. (back to Q) What
were you saying?
Q
Oh, never mind. It's not important.
BOND
Well, are there any other devices
that I should be aware of?
Q
I mean, nothing off the top of my
head. Let me just think.... mmmm...
nothing I can really think of.
BOND
Good.
Q
But you know, stuff.
BOND
Stuff? No, I don't know stuff. Tell
me specifically. Am I going to be
in a plane and the ejection seat is
just a normal car seat. Will I pick
up a grenade...
(A BEEPING SOUND BEGINS, THE
VILLAIN LAUGHS THROUGH THE PAIN)
VILLAIN
Haha Mr. Bond. You are too late.
The nuclear device has been
activated. Now all of Paris will be
destroyed, and you're to blame. I
win. Hahaha!
(THE BEEPING RAPIDLY SPEEDS UP.
GROWING FASTER, UNTIL IT BECOMES
A TONE. A BLACK LIQUID SPRAYS
about:blank

Page 4 of 8

9/30/15, 7:14 PM

OUT OF A NOZZLE INTO THE
VILLAIN'S FACE. THE TONE IS
RECOGNIZABLE AS A COFFEE MAKER
FINISHED TONE. THE LAUGHS OF THE
VILLAIN TURN INTO SOUNDS OF
PAIN)
VILLAIN
Ah, ah... that is hot! Is... is
this coffee?
(BOND LEANS DOWN AND WIPES SOME
OFF HIS FACE AN TASTES IT)
BOND
Q, why did the bomb just make
coffee.
Q
Oh, yes.. ummm.
BOND
Q...
Q
Well, that is a coffee maker. We
did a swapping of the parts.
BOND
That means that the real one is an
a coffee machine right now.
Q
Ah, I see you are a quick learner
James.
BOND
Where is it? How far from my
position?
Q
Let's see that one is... in the
rec-room upstairs. I believe.
BOND

about:blank

Page 5 of 8

9/30/15, 7:14 PM

At MI6?... Why did we make a coffee
machine a nuclear device?
Q
Safety, of course. Nobody is going
to break into MI6 to steal a coffee
machine.

It's ingenious really. I

even rigged the warhead to make
coffee. That was tricky, but worth
it for an added layer of realism.
BOND
I've had coffee from that machine.
Isn't that a radiation risk?
Q
Well, you are field agents, so your
life expectancy isn't that great to
begin with.
BOND
Q, am I going to grow a third arm?
Q
No, no. Don't be ridiculous James.
Third arm, no... Colon cancer?
Probably.
BOND
What.
Q
I'm kidding. James, calm down. You
are exposed to radiation all the
time. Especially in all your
travels. In fact the banana you had
for breakfast probably had antimatter in it. There's nothing toBOND
about:blank

Page 6 of 8

9/30/15, 7:14 PM

Have you been messing with my food?
Are you putting bombs in our food?
Q
No, James. No, well...umm... No.
Anti-matter is just a natural
result of beta decay which occurs
within the fruit. This happensVILLAIN
Can I go to prison now?
BOND
No, not yet. I don't even know if
you technically did anything that
illegal. Jesus, (interrupting Q's
science rant) Q!
Q
Yes.
BOND
Why am I here?
Q
Well many philosophers over the
years have stipulatBOND
No! Why am I in Paris, risking my
life to stop a mad man who doesn't
have a stolen nuke? What was the
point of this mission.
Q
Well, I needed my coffee machine
back. You don't expect me to drink
from that one upstairs do you?
(BLACKOUT)

about:blank

Page 7 of 8

9/30/15, 7:14 PM

about:blank

Page 8 of 8


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