Salamander (PDF)

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Author: Patrick Nightingale

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Science Today

December, 2015

Reseachers Find, Kill Last Remaining Chinese Salamander:
Verify Extinction
The last remaining Chinese Salamander was recently found and killed by a team of researchers last
Friday, December 11th, verifying the extinction of the species.
Brian MacArthur, author of Extinct Species and Where to Find Them, gave his input. “There was a lot of
confusion about the ‘nearly extinct’ classification. People just weren’t getting it. We felt the only thing
we could do was kill it, making that species fully extinct. Dead is dead, people understand that.”
Head researcher Mike Schwartz was the first to see it. “We definitely weren’t expecting to find
anything. After about an hour of shooting the shit we started packing our gear up, about to leave, and I
saw it crawl by. I was like, ‘Oh shit,’ and then I told the others.”
“We thought about just leaving the cave but what if someone else showed up and found it? We decided
to kill it.” He said.
I spoke with John Ryan, the team member who dealt the final blow:
“You say you killed it?”
“I lost rock, paper, scissors.”
“You killed the last member of a species.”
“Yeah. It was ugly. The locals call them Cave Turds.”

MacArthur’s depiction of the Salamander.
“That’s why they call them Cave Turds.” -Schwartz

One of the interns brought up its quality of life, and really, he had a point. “No other mating prospects,
no chance of continuing as a species. I mean, this was the first one seen in over a decade. We did what
we thought was merciful to the creature and to science.”
When asked why they felt that killing the “Cave Turd” was necessary, herpetologist Michelle Douros
replied: “We don’t consider ourselves God, but even extinction needs a push sometimes.” Nearby her
colleagues nodded in agreement. “It was an overdue death,” she added.
The locals stated that it would not be missed.

Story by: Myers, Khalaf, Nightingale. 2015

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