ajr (PDF)

Adam Read – My A&D Bio
** TRIGGER WARNING, contains one reference to s. I do not go into any lengthy detail, but I
make a brief mention of it as it has been something that’s happened to me **

Hi

Thanks for taking the time to read this. As someone who suffers from Anxiety and
Depression, I actively participate in Facebook Forums.

However, when I make a post, I’m always mindful that the person who reads it doesn’t have
the full picture. I think that’s the case with a lot of us, and I’ve reached the conclusion that
it makes sense to outline my circumstances, as this will give anyone seeking to offer advice
the full picture. Not everyone would agree, but it’s something I’ve chosen to do, so here
goes:

Background & Medication
• I’m a 48 year old male
• I live in Shropshire which is in the UK
• I have suffered from anxiety since my mid to late 20’s. I have suffered from
depression since 2013
• I have been medicated on benzo’s since the onset of my anxiety. I currently take 2 x
5mg of Diazepam every day.
• Anti-depressants soon followed. I was on Citalopram (Celexa) 40 mg until August
2016, when I was switched to Venlafaxine (Effexor) – 75mg
• I have also been ‘on and off’ a drug called Quetiapine (Seroquel), and currently take
this as needed (up to 4 x 25mg per day).
• I have also partaken in various therapies (CBT, counselling etc) sadly to no avail.

Life’s Challenges
• Due to my anxiety and depression, I was asked to leave my marital home in early
2014. My wife effectively said she’d had enough of the condition, and said that it
was having a negative impact on the children, their education etc. (I have 3 children,
one 19 year old who’s now at University, one 17 year old who’s at college, but will go
off to University next year, and a 15 year old who is in his last year of school and will
go to a local college next year). We’re now going through a divorce (covered later)

**TRIGGER**
• In late 2013, I made a s. attempt and fractured my T12 vertibrae. I am still in pain
with it, and have found it very hard to come to terms with what I did.

• So I’ve been living alone in a nice flat/apartment in the same town as my family.

• I am ostracised from my children, miss them etc. As aforementioned, the eldest two
make very little contact with me. Indeed, my daughter went off to University in
Summer 2016 without even bothering to say goodbye. CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE..


•

•



My ‘support network’ consists of my parents (who are 3 hours away), a friendly
couple whom I know, and the inadequate NHS services that I’m sure we’re all
familiar with.

•

Living alone I do not eat well. I smoke, and am not in great physical shape.

•

I am now going through a protracted divorce process involving the courts. The
financial demands made by my wife were untenable, so she decided to go down the
court route. The second hearing is in January 2017.

•

I have decided to give my father Power of Attorney (meaning he can represent me in
court and handle divorce matters) as I felt I could not due to my anxiety. This has
not gone down well with my wife (and I think my eldest daughter isn’t impressed
either), but for me it was the lesser of the two evils.

•

It’s worth pointing out that my father and soon to be ex do not get on. Both of my
parents were quite dismissive of my wife during the first 5 years of our marriage, and
did not approve of us cohabiting as they are very ‘christian’. This seemed to resolve
once we got married, and bar the odd hiccup, relationships were better – normal
even.





















Due to my anxiety, I have not made many new friends locally. Infact I’ve lost quite a
few. I am not officially agoraphobic, but do stay in far too much. I seem to have
spent most of the last 3 years in bed with negative thoughts racing round my head. I
now feel this has gone on for so long I’m incurable. This scares me

•




I have not been working since moving out. I believe this is due to lack of motivation
(I used to have my own video production business which is still listed, but not
trading)



THE FINAL PAGE FOLLOWS, AND IS THE MOST IMPORTANT BIT…




How do I move on?

I believe that this is the most important bit. Of course… Like all of us, I’d love to me be
immediately free of my anxiety and depression, not taking medication, free from back pain,
and living a wonderfully engaging life with a fulfilling career. I would love to be be able to
put the past behind me, to undo all the hurt. But I can’t change the past. Equally I cannot
sustain/tolerate this existence. So I’ve broken it down in to a series of questions/topics…


Where I live
My parents have suggested I move back down South (nearer to London) where there will be
more job opportunities, and a better chance of me getting my business (video production)
restarted. Flip side is I’ll be further away from my children – particularly my youngest who’s
been great. It’s 3 hours away.


My career/job
Do I restart my business? (Video Production), or start anew? A change of direction?


Best course of treatment
I’ve tried them all – including residential courses. Nothing’s worked for me. Why? –
Probably because I wasn’t any good at following through the advice in some cases. Who
knows?

What other alternatives are out there?


How to improve the relationship with my children
It’s not going to happen over night. It’s tough being an ostracised Dad – My children live
with their mother and have her ‘ear’. Her family is much larger than mine. My children find
no fault with her mother. As such, birthday’s, Christmas, New Year, you name it… invariably
involve her mother and extended family, and of course I’m never invited. I have to ‘hobble
along’ with awkward gift arrangements etc etc – you can imagine the pattern and just how
difficult it is. But I’m not alone with this, millions of Dad’s suffer the same fate – how do
they cope? In many cases the kids still want to see their father, 2 of my 3 don’t. My last
birthday was like an exercise in awkwardness, almost having to take them out at gun point
to come out for my birthday meal.

Let me point out at this juncture, that without wishing to sing my praises – I’m a highly
sensitive, loving, amiable and nice person (so others have said!). Not a child or wife-bashing
tyrant. Simply someone who’s had a bad roll of the dice.