POSH TWATS GATHERING; ITINERARY .pdf
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DEAR HONORARY 1 PERCENTERS
YOU HAVE BEEN CORDIALLY INVITED TO JOIN AN ELITE GATHERING OF
PROPER POSH TWATS, MEDIA WANKERS AND TOFFS, AT A WINTER
RETREAT IN THE HEART OF THE COTSWOLDS.
AS PART OF THE 1%, YOU WILL BE STAYING AT A DISCREET AND FULLY
GATED ESTATE, TO THE EXCLUSION OF PAUPERS*, NER-DO-WELLS AND
BREXIT VOTING LAZY BASTARDS WHO HAVE ONLY GOT THEMSELVES
TO BLAME FOR BEING BROKE.
*MEMBERS OF THE WORKING CLASSES WILL BE ALLOWED TEMPORARY ACCESS TO THE ESTATE FOR
THE PROVISION OF CATERING AND HORSE GROOMING ACTIVITIES
FOR YOUR DELECTATION, INTRODUCING SWAN HOUSE:
Viscountess Jemma Degville-Hayes’ frequently dresses as a scarecrow to conceal
her privileged background from the kids in Brick Lane, where she hides in plain
sight as a member of the working classes.
Lord Adam Barrribal met our current driver on Grinder, and they often go on long
country ‘rides’ together. They say a drive in the Cotswolds is very invigorating.
OTHER USEFUL DIRECTIONAL AIDES:
‘Lady’ Joanna (Jo) Townsend never goes anywhere without her ‘Chauffer’
CHECK IN AND ENTRY DETAILS:
Check in: 4pm – 30th Dec
Check out – 10am Jan 2nd
Being from Yorkshire, Countess Laura Lumley and
Society beau James Ellis IV were known as poor tippers
The key is in a key safe under
the light by the single back door
to the Laundry Room. To open
the lid, pull down the black
plastic cover, enter the code
(2106) and turn the knob 180
degrees clockwise. If you make
a mistake, press the CLEAR
button and start again. To
relock, close the lid and turn the
knob 180 degrees counter
clockwise back to the locked
position and push up black
plastic cover. Don't forget to
lock the key back in the key
safe when you leave. The
outside lights for the parking
place and the back door switch
on and off automatically.
DEC 30 2016 :
SWAN HOUSE 4PM: Check In
SWAN HOUSE 5PM: Delivery of provisions from local grocer (Harrods)
SWAN HOUSE DRAWING ROOM 730PM: Greek Night and plate smashing – hosted
by Countess Laura Lumley and Yorkshire-Greek shipping magnate James Ellis
The security deposit is forfeit: Ex Etonians and members of the Bullingdon Club, Earl Mark Simpson
and Dame Michelle Cfas often bought their way out of trouble.
Dec 31 2016 NEW YEARS EVE
THE STABLES 11AM: Horse riding for Toffs
The Duchesses of Cambridgshire, Nicky (Boozy) Hughes and Lady Sarah (To the
Manor Born) Gregory had not been on a horse for some time and often needed
some encouragement of the Dutch variety.
SWAN HOUSE DRAWING ROOM 730PM: New Year’s Eve Party
The Right Hon James Wortley MP (Devonshire) only has aspirations of poshness. His
upbringing and lack of breeding frequently let the side down at the county ball.
JAN 1 2017 NEW YEAR’S DAY
CHELTENHAM RACES 1030AM (OPTIONAL)
Baroness Nicola Robbins usually set a high standard at society gatherings but has
been unable to explain her behaviour at Ascot earlier this year.
EVENING MEAL @ THE CATHERINE WHEEL 630PM
Bibury 2.5 miles by Limousine
Yorkshire-Greek shipping magnate James Ellis IV always over did the wafer thin mints.
GOOD ADVICE: BRING YOUR WELLIES – IT’S WHAT POSH FOLK DO
Fresh from a major investment in plastic surgery the youthful looking Duke and
Duchess of Sussex: Michael and Katya Brown and their young family, in full posh
twerp regalia, consider squandering their fortune at the Cheltenham Races.
FURTHER DIRECTIONAL HINTS
From the M4
Leave motorway at exit 15 and then take the A419 towards Cirencester. After about
15 miles at the Burford Road junction you will see the sign for Cirencester (for
“Roman Corinium”, on the brown tourist sign: don’t get off at “Cirencester Industrial
Area”) At the roundabout, at the top of the slip road, turn right for Stowe on the
Wold, then at the traffic lights, very soon after, take the left onto the A 429, again
signposted to Stowe. After 4 miles, at the Hare and Hounds pub, turn right
signposted to Bibury. After 1 mile, take the third turn on your left signposted to
Winson. Drop down into the village and follow the road round to the right
(signposted “Village only”). Swan House is facing the village green and opposite the
From the M40
Leave motorway at exit 8/9 to Oxford and then take the A40 towards Cheltenham
and Burford. Just after Burford, take the B4425 towards Bibury. As you go through
Bibury, you will see the Swan Hotel on your right. Don’t go over the Bridge! Keep
straight on, keeping the Swan on your right. Go to Ablington, and turn left towards
Winson, going over the little bridge. After the bridge, just up the hill, turn right, again
signposted to Winson.
As you come into Winson, turn right following the sign “Village only”. The Church
will be on your left. Drop down to the village and Swan House is facing the village
green, opposite the Manor house.
From the M5
Leave the motorway at exit 11A to Cirencester and then take the A417 by pass
towards Cirencester. Get off at the Burford Road junction, signposted to Cirencester,
Buford and Stowe, turn left towards Stowe on the Wold. Then at the traffic lights,
very soon after, take the left onto the A 429, again signposted to Stowe. After 4
miles, at the Hare and Hounds pub, turn right signposted to Bibury. After 1 mile, take
the third turn on your left signposted to Winson. Drop down into the village and
then follow the road round to the right (signposted “Village only”). Swan House is
facing the village green and opposite the Manor house.
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