Why Do You Spend So Much Time Thinking About the Past .pdf

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"Why Do
You Spend
So Much
Time
Thinking
About The
t"

by She Denni

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Hello. Welcome to a twenty page long series of poems based
around my life over the past few years. Thank you to all of my teachers
over the past fourteen years my friends and family who have supported
me and especially my editors iana skarpour and achael allagher as
well as my two advisors who have helped me during this pro ect an
eefe and avier luch.
would also like to use this as a uick warning for the rest of the
content. ome of it is uite e plicit as well as se ually suggestive and if
you are the type of person who that would offend would reccomend you
stop here.
or everyone else who is not a nerd would like to also state that
what follows is simply based on my past e periences and in no way is it a
biography. t was not as if simply changed names was writing to
characters who may borrow bits and pieces from actual people but who
are still largely works of fiction. imply put if you think a poem is about
you it is not.
That being said if you read all of that and still think that a poem is
about you and that treated you unfairly you can contact me on twitter
my handle is
. Thank you all and let s get started.

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Table of ontents
. pen etter to The irl
. uick i
. t.
. etter to my ast elf
. am not eady for ou
. oston nterlude
. arker
. ear Theodosia
. The reak p
. y pology
. lsa omes ack
. y arkness
. Thank ou and m orry
. lsa and Theodosia
. elf portrait
. oston nterlude
. rounded
. Hug and iss my ss
. oodbye to dvisory

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n pen etter to The irl

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A,

I'm sorry. I lied, and I feel like shit. I crafted a version of myself that
was a combination of what I wanted to be and what I thou ht you
wanted me to be. I may be that erson some day I may not. I definitely
am not that erson now. ou said I was s ecial and ori inal. I ho e I will
be. ut I was ust a kid, lyin my ass off. I was hittin on your friend
before you walked in. I started talkin to you because you ate the last
cookie. I don't know if that is su osed to have some reater
si nificance to either of us. It seems like somethin a shitty movie
would focus on. Is that what this was ou introduced yourself and I
tried to memori e it but I for ot it instantly so maybe this is ust a
hollywoodi ed version of what really ha ened. I ho e that I'm able to
look back on this and have this ni ht be s ecial. I robably won't be able
to. hank you. I'm rayin that somehow you will be im ortant. I don't
want to be that uy. I ho e we'll always have the dock and the couch,
but we robably won't. ou know my first name. ou may be able to
find out my last. I ho e you don't. ou could have been lyin too, but if
you weren't I was ust as im ortant to you as you were to me. I'm sorry
that I don't e ist. I'm ha y we didn't have se . I don't think I would be
able to have your first time be with a lie. hank you. I'm sorry. I didn't
lie about one thin . ou were the most beautiful thin I had ever seen.
oodbye. I ho e you don't et this. I feel like I took advanta e of you.
If you ever find out the truth, it may break your heart. If it doesn t it d
break mine. I ho e you find someone like who I claimed to be. I think
he would make you ha y.

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uick i

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andora,
ou te t differently than you act in real life. et me e lain. ou're
confident, bubbly which is an ad ective I hate usin , you re not a
cham a ne and most im ortantly, warm when you're on your hone.
ach little white cloud causin a tiny little bit of e citement to build in
my stomach. hen you te ted me I was feelin myself. A lot. I actually
had my dad drive me to
to et condoms. I m not sure if I actually
thou ht that you were down or if I ust wanted to be ready for
everythin . ike you were all awkward and dorky and it was sweet. our
friend, lsa, actually told me that I should chase you. I think that
freaked you out. ecause when we met, it seemed like you were kinda
distracted by somethin else. r ust not into me. e sat in two
se arate chairs and I was actually kind of cold. hich is weird because
when we te ted before my heart was beatin fast enou h to make me
take my sweatshirt off. I was oin to oke about sharin a chair, but I
don t think that would have one over well. ou kinda seemed ust like
you wanted to leave the entire time we were there. It mi ht have been
the arty. It mi ht have been me. hen we talked later that ni ht, I
uessed it was the former. I still honestly don t know. an t wait to see
you ne t aturday thou h.

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t.

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andora,
I'm a little drunk so this mi ht ramble a bit. I'm not sure how I feel
about you. n one hand, you are a smart and beautiful irl who I do
like. ut at the same time, you don't want to be associated with me.
hich honestly, wouldn't bother me, because my best friends, lsa,
even my own fuckin brother wouldn't talk with me for the same
reason. I'm used to it by now. ne of my friends even told you that
you'd be tainted by me. And you told me you didn't care. ut you do.
uck you.
I'm sorry. It's not that I don't mean that, but I do feel bad that it is how
I feel. I'm not sure how you really feel about me. ou've told everyone a
different story and I don't know what's true. ou may be ase ual. ou
may not. ou may be scared that I'm oin to try to ra e you in between
lays at your school, but I seriously ho e you don't actually think that
low of me. ou may care so much about what other eo le say, that
you won't ever be seen with me. ou may ust think that I can't take a
hint. I robably can't, but you didn't even ive me a chance. And that
sucks.
aybe, when we come back from colle e one hristmas, we'll talk and
et drunk and fuck and you'll a olo i e but I'll still leave because I
can't be with someone like you. o you know what the worst art is I
don't even know how I feel.
uck it. I hate eo le like you. I would do retty much anythin to be
with you on my terms. I ho e we fuck one day so I can hate myself as
much as you hate yourself. I s ent hours tryin to cheer you u ust
because you seemed sad. hen I tried to talk to you about my
roblems, you anicked. ye. ntil we et bored or lonely.

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