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● Ben Adam and Dean have a Boris bike adventure
around East London
● Dennis the Drugs Dog starts his own religion
● Adam's monitor explodes
● Ben and Jordan go to Scotland
● Ben goes to Lanzarote
Beno.org.uk

Unicorn Guy went to the mythical creature convention at the Excel center. They were
very disappointed that all 4 of the Alimak Hek climbing lifts were no longer working at the
bridge outside excel.
They went into the convention and looked around the stools selling weird and wonderful
products for mythical creatures to buy. Unicorn Guy stole some horn polish from Hornz
and Morez for himself, as his horn had gotten dry and old. He also got some Rainbow
Mythtreetz that make your poo come out rainbow colored for Pink Horsey, despite them
being no better processed than cat food, and a new clubcard for the Mythical Square
Valley shopping centre in Gillingchat, the home of the mythchav - a chavy mythical
creature. On top of all of this, he also got his face painted, but ran away when they asked
him for the money.

On their way back home to Chavham they went to mythside and filmed themselves safety
breaking the stupid expressevans that changed direction when you safety break it. They
stayed in these awful lifts for half an hour, pissing people off by changing the direction just
before they went past the ground floor door rollers. The people with the pushchair and the
really fat person waiting for the lift got really angry watching the lift going up and down but
never opening its doors. The fat person went to the awful mythline lift in the mynge, but as
he was so fat, he overloaded the lift and the pump burned out. Pink Horsey and Unicorn
Guy then snuck into the trampoline park by going through the service area and skipping
the reception. When they got in pink horsey did a wee on the fake grass as he thought it
was real, and they got kicked out before even getting on the trampolines, but at least the
lady didn't find out about them sneaking in. This drove them mad so they went to
restaurant called ‘mythers’ downstairs and went in the toilet and painted the room pink.
Then they ran through the fire exit and legged it back to their camper van bus.
Beno.org.uk

After visiting the mythical creature convention, Pink Horsey and Unicorn guy were driving
home in their Enviro 200 MMC and then suddenly Unicorn Guy’s worst nightmare happened.
A police car spotted them. The police could not believe their eyes when they saw a 12 year
old driving a bus, and on top of that, they still had the stolen goods from the convention. The
police gave chase and put on their blue lights and yelled “PULL OVER”. Unicorn Guy
panicked. “What should I do?” He yelled. Pink Horsey replied “Don’t pull over otherwise your
parents will find out about the bus. Drive as fast as you can”. So Unicorn Guy drove his bus
as fast as it would go. And then in front of him was a bus only road with a retracting bollard.
And this retracting bollard was rather old. It did not use RFID to detect an approaching bus.
Instead it simply used an induction loop that would only activate when a large vehicle
approached it. This meant that it would lower for Pink Horsey and Unicorn Guy’s bus even
though it wasn’t an official local bus. The bollard lowered and Unicorn Guy drove across it
with the police giving chase, but then the bollard started to raise after they had passed and
hit the bottom of the police car causing lots of damage. Pink Horsey and Unicorn Guy had
managed to escape the police.

As they were now in the center of town on the bus only roads, Pink Horsey had an idea.
“Lets run a bus service” he said! Unicorn Guy thought this would be a great idea. “Lets
run our bus on route 521” said Pink Horsey. But Pink Horsey was unhappy with the recent
route change on route 521 as it on longer goes to the swimming pool as it had closed
down. “Lets run the old route 521 to the abandoned swimming pool” he said. They pulled
up at the bus stop and a few people got on the bus and looked shocked that it was being
driven by a 12 year old. But luckily, in England, most people will not get involved when they
notice something that is wrong. Occasionally you will get a nosey cunt who will take
matters into their own hands and think themselves policemen, but this time, nobody was a
nosey cunt. The passengers looked confused and very concerned that the bus driver was
so young, but everyone was in a hurry to get home and nobody wanted to be the first one
to say something, so everyone kept quiet.
After dropping of the passengers at their stops, Pink Horsey and Unicorn Guy ended up
at the abandoned swimming pool. The large glass windows had been smashed
by chavs, so they drove their bus into the swimming pool and parked it in
one of the empty pools while they went urban exploring around
the leisure center.

Beno.org.uk

After exploring the leisure center, Pink Horsey and Unicorn Guy decided to drift their bus
around the leisure center car park. They were very unimpressed with the slow
performance, so they took the bus back to the Alexander Dennis dealership, and Unicorn
Guy got into an argument with the sales guy. Unicorn guy demanded that they put a Euro
5 engine and 6 speed Allison in their all new Enviro. The sales guy said that the all new
Enviro bodywork was exclusively for Euro 6 parts only, and he refused to install Euro 5
parts in it. Unicorn Guy went mental, “I WANT MY FUCKING BUS TO GO FASTER YOU
SHIT FACED WANKER CUNT” he screamed at the sales guy. The sales guy said that it
was not possible to do that and meet the Euro 6 standard. Unicorn guy was furious at this
as he wanted the all new Enviro styling. “I WANT A FUCKING FAST BUS WITH THE
NEW STYLING YOU FAT MOTHERFUCKING WANKER PUSSYHOLE” he screamed
right in the face of the sales guy. At this loads of other sales guys came running out to see
what the problem was. Pink Horsey told them that they had spent a lot of money on their
bus and it was as slow as a snail on weed.

Then one of the sales guys had an idea, “The hybrid is nice and fast” he said. “For just
£80,000 we can upgrade it to be powered by a fast BAE electric motor and diesel
generator to provide the electricity”. “That is great” said Pink Horsey, but Unicorn Guy
wasn’t happy “Where am I meant to get that amount of money from” he said. Pink Horsey
decided that it was still a good idea to upgrade the bus, so Unicorn Guy paid for it on his
mum’s card. So far this year he had spent £85,000 on their original Enviro 200, £115,000
on their new Enviro 200, and now they had spent £80,000 to upgrade it to hybrid. His
mums account was now £280,000 in debt, but luckily his mum didn’t know how to log on to
her account online!
After the bus was upgraded, Unicorn Guy and Pink Horsey were very excited to try it out.
The mechanic asked to speak to an adult from the bus company. Unicorn Guy had
registered his bus on the DVLA under a fictitious bus company name to avoid being
caught. The mechanic wanted to speak to an adult from “Pink Buses LTD” as he was very
concerned that so far he had only spoken to a horse and a 12 year old! Unicorn Guy said
that he would go and get an adult, then when the mechanic had gone back in his office,
Unicorn Guy and Pink Horsey ran onto the bus and drove it away as fast as it would go.
The bus accelerated really fast and now had a top speed of 60 mph. Pink Horsey and
Unicorn Guy were very happy with their bus now that it was upgraded to a hybrid.

Beno.org.uk

Pink Horsey and Unicorn Guy were driving their bus around town at 40 mph in a 30 mph area.
They were caught on several speed cameras but they didn’t care as the DVLA will be going
after the nonexistent “Pink Buses LTD” to collect the fine. Also they were driving without
insurance or even having a car driving licence, let alone a PSV licence. Pink Horsey was
currently driving (even though he is a horse) and was having lots of fun. But Unicorn Guy was
worried about the large amount of debt he had run up on his mum’s account. His mum would
find out about what he had been up to, or the bailiffs might come round. Unicorn Guy needed
money, fast! Then all of a sudden, he had an idea. They were driving past an entire rack of
boris bikes. So guess what they did. They used their Boris bike master key and stole the lot of
them, and put them in their bus! Just like chavs! So Unicorn Guy and Pink Horsey were
driving along with a bus full of bikes. They sold them on ebay to make some money.
The next day Pink Horsey wanted to go and surf some
lifts and film it for his youtube channel “PINKHORSEY
Productions”. They got in their Enviro and went to a local
car park. When they arrived at the car park, Unicorn Guy
noticed his parents, he panicked. If he tried to drive out
the car park he risked his parents seeing him (pink
horsey couldn’t drive as he is a rubbish driver and
couldn’t negotiate the tight turns of the car park). Unicorn
Guy jumped out of the bus just as his parents came
around the corner. “I didn’t expect to see you here” said
his mum. “I just felt like walking here” he said. Even
though he was standing next to his pink bus, his parents
didn’t expect that it was his and he had driven it here.
They would never have dreamed that their son knew how
to drive a bus, let alone buying one with fake details and
driving it illegally!
The car park had some old O&Ks. After Unicorn Guy’s parents
had left, he decided to surf it. The lift had its logic replaced with
chinese shit in the 90s and regularly buggered up. When
Unicorn Guy put it on inspection it went down at full speed and
hit the buffer. CRASH! The voice unit went crazy and started
saying “Store exit and level! Store exit and level! store exit and
level! Market. Car six park. Only staff. Mezzanine. Service out
maintenance for of lift! Please do not mind the doors. Open
level. Fire mode fighting. Lift required for doors leave
emergency if the! Do not close. Alarmed lift top car”. This was
scary, as the lifts went two metres a second (it was only
supposed to go one, but the governor didn’t trip). A loud bang
came from the motor room and a quiet pop came from the lift
car. The voice unit probably had overheated from saying too
many messages and exploded. The lift then shot upwards to
where they were in reach of a door, so they got off while they
could. Some chavs saw them getting of the lift, and they wanted
to see what they were doing and they started following them,
Pink Horsey and Unicorn guy quickly went back to their bus.
“What are you doing bruv” said one of the chavs…….
Beno.org.uk

The chavs were not exactly being aggressive but they could turn aggressive at any moment.
Pink Horsey and Unicorn Guy did not want attention from chavs, so they quickly drove away in
their bus. As they were driving away, one of the chavs threw a stone at the bus, but luckily he
missed. They then went to the abandoned Chatham Pentagon bus station and had fun driving
their bus around it at speed. They then went to the lifts at the Brook car park, the lifts were not
working, so they went up the stairs and found a dead person lying in the stairway. They then
went in the ALS glass lifts in the Chatham Pentagon Center and turned the key for the secret
tunnel level, up there they saw an unlocked stairway into the motor room. After playing with
the lift logics they surfed the glass ALS lifts. There was no car top controls on the lift because
all lift engineers worked for Otis, and their fingers were so sore of using the otis Gen2 car top
controls, they couldn't be bothered to fit the new ones as their hands hurt so much. Security
are very strict at the pentagon and one of them noticed them on top the lift. Security went
mental and were running all around the center trying to catch them. If security had caught
them they would have illegally assaulted them (because that is what security is like at the
Chatham Pentagon). Unicorn Guy and Pink Horsey made it safely back to their bus.
Pink Horsey and Unicorn Guy then drove back to their local car
park and started having a mythtreetz party with the homeless grey
horse that lived in the lift motor room. They then went on top the lift
and almost fell of the side as they all felt dizzy from the party. They then
all fell asleep on top of the lift, and got woken up to realise that someone
had broken into the car park and smashed the old toilet on the ground floor.
The mad toilet smasher must
have heard grey horsey
snoring and legged it as he
left the urinals and sinks alone.
Pink Horsey and Unicorn Guy then went home. As always, when driving their bus there is a
risk that someone might notice that a 12 year old is driving a bus, and while most people will
be shocked by this, they won’t get involved. But every now and then there will be a nosey cunt
who will take things into their own hands, getting involved in other people's business like they
own the entire world. This time while they were pulling into Pink Horseys stable (which is
where they kept the bus, so that Unicorn Guy’s parents won’t find out about it) a nosey cunt
noticed Unicorn Guy driving the bus. When Unicorn Guy got out the bus the nosey cunt
grabbed him. “WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING” shouted nosey cunt. Unicorn
Guy screamed. Pink Horsey tried to make nosey cunt let go but he
wasn’t strong enough. Unicorn Guy’s mum was walking along the road.
She ran over when she saw what was happening. “What is going on”
she yelled. “I need to speak to this child’s parents immediately, this is
very serious” nosey cunt replied. “Well go on” demanded his mum.
“This is a Matter that concerns his mum” said nosey cunt. “Well, I’m
here” she said, “I need to speak to her” said nosey cunt (Unicorn Guy
is mixed, and nosey cunt didn’t realise he was speaking to his mum
as her skin color was different to his). “I am his mum” she shouted.
“You can’t be” said nosey cunt. “YOU FUCKING RACIST CUNT”
yelled his mum and punched him in the face. “Don’t you dare fucking
grab my child”. Nosey cunt tried to say he saw him driving a bus but
his mum wasn’t listening. Unicorn Guy’s secret was safe this time!
Beno.org.uk

PAGE 2
After over 4 hours on a
RyanAir plane, everyone
was tired after their
holiday in Lanzarote and
were all fighting to get
off. Everyone was
pushing and shoving
each other to get off.
This very rude person
went further to put his
arm out and blocked my
way so that he could get
of the plane first and got
angry with me.

There are signs saying
“Neighborhood Watch.
Criminals Beware.”
Little does everybody
in the neighborhood
know; the signs were
bought at local
hardware store. On
Clearance! 50p a sign!
All the neighborhood
gets is top-heavy
lampposts that keel
over on the thief. And
the residents!

Near the NEC in Birmingham some people (who thought they owned the place) had
closed of a massive section of pavement, far greater than the area they were working
on (I wonder if they even had authorisation to do this in the first place). As well as the
pavement, they had closed off all the grass by the lake. People walking past all just
obeyed and didn’t question them. These workers who thought they had the level of
authority of a policeman, telling people where they could and couldn’t go. I was going
to go and sit by the lake, which they had fenced off, but a long way from them, just to
see if they would tell me I wasn’t allowed to be there. But I didn’t even get that far. I
was walking along the road, OUTSIDE of the area which they fenced off, and this guy
who looked like a security guard told me I had to cross to the other side of the road.
I was shocked at how he thought
he could tell me what to do on a
public street. I wasn’t going to put
up with that, and I told him I didn’t
have to do anything. He looked
surprised that I stood up for
myself (as I must have been the
only one who did). A second guy
who was standing next to him told
him to “leave it”. One bit of good
news is that a wheel had fallen off
their machine which looked very
expensive. Lets just hope that
this cost a lot of money to fix.
Beno.org.uk

Stannah - Replacing reliable lifts into our load of shit
Stannah used to be good!
Stannah used to be a proper lift
company that manufactured lifts.
They have been around a very long
time they used to install some epic
vintage lifts (which is a world away
from the company today) such as
this one (pictured right and below) at
a small independent department
store on Worthing (now sadly
replaced with a horrid generic).

Stannah had a massive change in
the 80s and started installing
hydraulics. These lifts were still
pretty good and fairly interesting. But
since then their lifts have gone down
hill. In the 90s they were ok, but in
the 2000s they turned into complete
utter rubbish. They no longer
manufacture lifts and just install the
worst cheap nasty lifts which they
rebrand as their own. Their lifts look
completely bog standard and they
feel ever so cheap and nasty. They
have a very genericy time wasting
feel to the way they run. If you ask
Stannah for a posh top of the range
lift they will talk about their “Bespoke
range” but in practise they will put in
the bare minimum effort making the
lift look hardly any different to any
other generic. Stannah also install a
lot of lifts in train stations which are
some of the most uninspiring lifts I
have ever come across.

It is common practise for Stannah to
persuade building owners to modernize
lifts that don’t need modernizing. I have
even spoken to a Stannah lift engineer
that was given the job of replacing a
working lift logic with the exact same
model of logic. Apparently Stannah had
persuaded the building owner that their
lift needed upgrading and they decided
to do a totally unnecessary controller
replacement. But hey, you can’t argue
with Stannah, they are a multi award
winning company!

The picture above is of a vintage
Marrat Scott at Gunnersbury Court
in Acton. The residents were very
fond of their lift, but Stannah
persuaded the building owner to
replace it telling residents about
“Letting go”. They told residents
that they would “Maintain the
1930’s aesthetic” of the lift. So a
nasty cheap generic lift which looks
completely bog standard with a tiny
amount of effort to make it fit in
(pictured left) is Stannah’s attempt
of making a lift that reflects a 30s
building. This is the absolute worst
attitude of present day shit lift
companies. Stannah like to talk
about their long history, but if they
ever saw one of their classic old
lifts they would immediately want to
replace it telling the building owner
lies in an effort to persuade them.
Beno.org.uk

I am very upset because I have found myself in this
month's magazine being bad mouthed by Beno
ARRRRR. I am going to trap him next time I see
him how dare he say my mother and father is killing
old lifts and replacing them with newer things like
me (Which I think all lifts should be like me). PS i
cannot take a picture of myself so i stole my picture
of his page HAHAHAHA also my -1 button hurts :(

I am having a lovely day today. I have been
pressed approximately 25,000 times and I still
feel like a new multiplexed button. I was cold that
morning when a beno hand pressed me warming
me up to 25 degrees centigrade. I was very
disappointed as this touch of warmth only lasted a
quick second. My led light was also happy to
illuminate after the button was pushed. All I
needed was a push.

It was 00:00 at night me and ben was very tired. My phone was also very tired at 1% battery
and it wanted a charge. I do not have an external 5v battery charger so I had to find a plug
and guess where the closest plug was on top of a otis 2000 which we spent about 2 hours
and we actually started falling asleep which is not good because this was a 2:1 cabled lift. We
were very lucky that I noticed myself falling asleep and I noticed ben starting to fall asleep so I
decided it was best we got off the lift my phone was 80% charged and by 8am my phone was
low again so I went to a Qpark and charged my phone until 10am.
Beno.org.uk

ltbcvids

YET ANOTHER
SAMSUNG GADGET
EXPLODES

My 400 quid 32
inch monitor
blew up just a
year after I
bought it. It just
went pop one
day and tripped
all of my circuit
breakers.

Look at that. No
matter what I do
it doesn't turn
on, its fucked. I
hope they give
me a refund, well
they better do so
or I will get
pissed.

Beno.org.uk

We all went off to Stepney green to cycle around London. I
couldn't bring my own bike on the train so I hired boris
bikes and made Ben pay for them.
This is Ben's bike. As
you can see it is total
shite. He bodged up
the gears and now they
don't change properly.
His handlebars are all
worn away and the glue
makes them all sticky
and horrid.

I don’t have a picture of Dean’s
bike so hear is a picture of a
bike that a chav has got hold
of. Always remember to bring
good locks and lock the frame
and both wheels when leaving
your bike in London!

This was my bike. The best and
fastest type of bike. Ben’s 300
pound ‘Fast road bike’ was slower
than this awesome bike. It was the
fastest bike overtaking every other
bike on the cycle paths and
overtaking lots of buses and even
a ferrari. Yeah like!
Beno.org.uk

We went from Stepney Green to the city, then liverpool street then
all the way to the olympic park.

Here are the fountains. We tried to cycle through them without getting wet but you can
guess what actually happened.

Look what happened here! I had a nasty accident near Bow Interchange This bike was
found outside a huge tower block in Bow. I think a chav broke it and dumped it. We
cycled it back to the dock and reported it as broken.

Beno.org.uk

First Church of Dennis, Scientist, Croydon

This is the official Church Of
Dennis. All believers must make
a pilgrimage here at least once in
their lives and pray.

Here is an ancient mythological picture of the devil

Here is our official religious object
that believers must carry around
at all times.

Beno.org.uk

Look what I found in isleworth. Some body opened up a peri peri chicken shop
and decided to name it ‘nandos’. Unfortunately the real nandos found out about
this shop and sued them… So they renamed their shop changing the n to a j.
But that's not all! The sign still said nandos so they had to change that, but
because the chicken shop made so little money they couldn’t afford to buy a
new sign so they patched up the n and replaced it with a j. They did this in the
sloppiest way possible. This is what the shop looks like today

Beno.org.uk

Once upon a time…
There was a nice Otis Europa 2000 from 1994 which was running quite well. But
since a lift is not allowed to stay unmodernised if it´s running well, they went and
modernised it this year. I really do not like the new Lift. It has “NewLift” logic with
a Ziehhl-Abbeg VF drive. But to my surprise, it was actually running quite well the
first few weeks, full intelligent leveling and pre-doors! But since the Otis engineers
were too stupid to set it up correctly, it kept overrunning the top floor! So what they
have done is basically, disabling pre-doors and slowed the acceleration down to
stop it overrunning. So what can I do to annoy everyone? Of course! Let´s go
and keep pranking the engineers!

.

DO YOU WANT TO
KNOW HOW THE
STORY GOES ON?
TAKE A LOOK AT MY
MAGAZINE PAGE IN
JUNE AGAIN!
Beno.org.uk

Vancity Elevators

Wow… someone was angry this month. I don’t know how he did it. In fact, this
was taken before a huge marathon event occurred… so I hope no one got
injured from broken glass.

WANTED TO SURF A DUMBWAITER BUT...

My friend showed me an old dumbwaiter (ruined by generic) at
his old shoe factory in Dongguan. I’m really annoyed that my
friend was watching me when I was taking photos but oh well...

Vancity
Elevators
vancityelevators
Beno.org.uk

Photos from China and Hong Kong…
(中國和香港的照片)
While exploring a mall in Dongguan, someone left the operation panel for a
ThyssenKrupp lift opened!!!

After I did some tampering… (taken on a different floor)

Beno.org.uk

Hong Kong: A vintage lift land!
Sadly, most lifts in Hong Kong are currently being modernized with stupid generics… It
is a matter a time before the old lifts are gone.

Old Otis service lift at the Imperial Hotel.

Gated lift!! At a office/commercial
building.

1960’s Schindler lift at a commercial
building. I love the pop out buttons!

Old Toshiba lift at Sha Tin Bus Station.
Beno.org.uk

HI again im waffain this week was a very rough week i got blamed for
something i didn't do and got detention for it so I ate raw meat to get
food poisoning the next day so I didn't have to go to school. After that
day I did not get detention.
The display on my phone got a vertical line and the back glass
cracked.
My Lg g4’s camera glass cracked

I was too short to put the string on the interlock
My note 5 display also got a vertical line.

Beno.org.uk

But there are good things happening too
I got a new camera(canon 80d)

I got a demo s7 edge which I flashed the stock firmware and it works flawlessly but
when I give an app superuser permissions the phone freezes up and restarts.

Beno.org.uk

Hi my name is Josh this
month I saftey broke a
kleeman and a oakland lift
they both where shit and it
was fucking sore when i
safty broke it i think it hit
the roof after :l so i was
shitting myself “CLEAN UP
AT LIFT ONE PLS”

Sittyist lift of the month goes to AL Lift services

GamingwithJosh01
Beno.org.uk

Hi I’m Connor and this is my page! I collect fire alarms and own a panel.
Here are some pics:

Beno.org.uk

Hi I'm Dean,
Again, me, Ben and Adam were surfing lifts, and Ben and me were
swimming in Britannia Leisure Centre, Hoxton. Also I went on a old
lift and I love riding the lifts and trains, but we got caught by people
we were not happy to see me, Ben and Adam on top a lift.
There is a video on YouTube with me, Ben and Adam on Beno’s
channel and Adam Ltbcvids. Rafe the trainspotter too my good
friend of mine there and Adam is funny ss well.
This saturday I will be on my bike with Beno and Ltbcvids on the
greenway Ltbcvids will be using a santander bike he has to pay for
it, banter, it good but adam and beno and me are going to
underground car park, it going to be fun to go there.
I went to the​ deep deep car park and me and Ben and Adam turn
the lights off to shut all the shutters, it was funny and we surf lift
with a boris bike. It was really really really funny and we cycle to
the Olympic Park and we threw stones from the climbing wall into
the River Lee and threw stones at Adam and Ben.
Thanks you for reading my page.

Beno.org.uk

Hi, I’m rafe the trainspotter and I have found out that the
Transpennine express CAF city class 397 and The AT300 (from
china) are coming to Scarborough. The AT300 (from china)
features a pantograph to go on the overhead power lines and a
diesel generator which allows the train to operate on non
electrified tracks. Its top speed is 125Mph. The TransPennine
Express class 185 fleet will be getting refurbished with the new
livery. Scarborough are getting road trams in the future. I like to
stay in the hotels and caravans. I also like to go on train trips and i
will be going to leeds for a day trip. I will be going on a class 185 to
Leeds and I am taking my camera to do trainspotting. I like to track
trains on my phone which allows me to get the perfect footage also
I enjoy bus spotting.

Beno.org.uk

Designing a portable subwoofer, with help from Jordan and Beno, just needs
some wire and a headphone jack looking forward to having my first page
beno is the best youtuber, generic are shit, kone is the best, me Jordan and
Beno are the speaker guys
Get a mono or stereo jack, solder it onto your amp board and make a hole in
the speaker enclosure for your jack. Use a AUX cable to connect your
speaker and working on my other one
I've also almost been arrested by the police for trespassing and peeing off a
old man who chased me the police ran after me and chased me to the
ground and let me go after giving me a warning but I didn't really give a shit
what they said.

I might start vlogging on YouTube but I don't know because most of my
blogs are shit or don't work at the minute, no clue what to do

Beno.org.uk

I have been to loads of places this month, including cheap flight adventures to
Lanzarote and Edinburgh & Glasgow. I have had a lot of fun this month.
Especially going on lift adventures with Adam and Dean. The rest of the
magazine is what I have been up to in the last month.

As always, I have surfed loads of lifts this
month. I have found loads of really nice
old lifts, some even with original
inspection controls.

Surfing Oronas is always fun, especially
when they mess up and keep saying
“DOORS CLOSING, PUSH THE ALARM
BUTTON” one million times.

Beno.org.uk

INSPECT

RETURN
TO
NORMAL

SAFETY BREAK

FIRE

INTERESTING FEATURES

Kone
Ecodisc

BEEP

BEEP
BEEP
BEEP

-

FIRE! Please
leave when the
elevator doors
open

Please remove obstruction
from doors. BEEEEEEP.
EARTHQUAKE!

Kone Otis

-

-

Otis 2000

-

-

ILE

This lift is OUT
of service

This lift is
OUT of
service

Lester

This lift is, out of
service.

This lift is,
out of
service.

Please mind the
doors, Doors
closing.

Mitsubish
i

(can’t give a
message as the
logic is cut off by
inspection
switch)

DING
DONG

Lift has stopped
for safety
purposes! Please
wait a moment!

Thames
Valley

Lift out of
service.
MAINTENANCE
CONTROL!

Lift out of
service

-

Orona

OUT OF
SERVICE

Bodge
voice

This lift is out of
service for
maintenance

Gen2
better
voice

“DECK” messages for boats.
Lots of custom messages
“North end mall and
department store”
-

BAAAAAAA

PLEASE SELECT YOUR
FLOOR

This lift is
returning under
fire control
operation.

Old version says “Please use
next lift” even though this
message can not be selected
when reprogramming.
Going up, Going up, Going
up, Going up, Going up,
Going up, Going up.

Gives a separate
message outside
the lift and inside

DOORS
CLOSING. OUT
OF ORDER.
PUSH THE
ALARM
BUTTON!

Sorry to keep you waiting.
Button mounts of non service
floors do not illuminate.
Please press button again for
the desired floor.

Introduce the access code.
Access code is wrong - Call
again!

This lift is
out of
service

This lift is goiiinnnggg uuup!

Is required for an
emergency.
Please leave
when the lift
doors open.

There are 2 gen2 voices.
I prefer this one

Beno.org.uk

There is no better place to have lunch than on top an awesome intelligent Schindler M
series. As always, loads of people used the lift without having a clue that we were on
top it. At one point security got in the lift, I would have loved to see their reaction if they
knew that someone was on top.

Beno.org.uk

Me and Adam explore Intu Watford’s service areas. After two members of staff pissed us of
by demanding to know why we went to a public car park. We decided to go and explore the
service areas. There were loads of signs about saying you need a “permit to work” and to be
on the lookout for people who are not meant to be there. They have gone very tight on
security. This just made us more determined to go around the areas that we were not meant
to be in. In the service areas they had added RFID magnet locks to some of the doors
including a fire exit. This is very dangerous. Just because the door probably unlocks if there
is a fire is not good enough, it is still a potential entrapment as this is the only stairs out of the
area. There must always be a way to get out any area in a building (without having to use the
lifts) by law. Intu can not say that this does not apply as everyone must have had an RFID
card to get there, because we were able to get around their locks by taking a long complex
route which involved tricking the main lift to go to the basement and then using the gated lifts
to get in the restricted service area.

Guess what? All these signs didn’t
stop us exploring restricted areas!
Beno.org.uk

I went on a cheap flight to Lanzarote.
It is 1700 miles from home. It is an
island as far south as the south of
Morocco in Africa. It is the furthest I
have ever been from home. When I
arrived on the plane I got a bus into
Arrecife. I was very unimpressed
that there is no day ticket on the
buses which means I had to pay for
every single journey I did.

When I got to Arrecife, all of the
buildings looked very different from at
home. There was a 17 floor hotel which
had Orona lifts, which are very
unsuitable for the number of floors.

There was a small flats building which
had a cheap and nasty ThyssenKrupp
lift. The motor room had the key
hanging on the door, so I walked away,
nah just kidding, I went in the motor
room to find an awesome old motor on
the other lift which was being
modernized.

What idiot would replace their nice old lift
with this shit. The lifts have a weird
triangle keyhole on the lifts door frame
which felt like it was lulling a piece of string
connected to the rollers when I tried to
open it, but it wouldn’t open.
After looking around Arrecife I get on a bus
to Costa Teguise.
Beno.org.uk

I was very nervous sneaking into my first swimming pool, but nobody noticed
me. As long as you copy what everyone else is doing, nobody will know that
you are not meant to be there.

Beno.org.uk

I then go to the next
hotel in Costa
Teguise and go in
the pool there. Once
again nobody noticed
that I wasn’t meant to
be there. As long as
you are careful to
assess the situation
and make sure you
don’t stand out as not
meant to be there,
nobody will notice
you.

I had a 5 star holiday in
Lanzarote while only
paying for the
cheapest most basic
hotel on the island. As
like the last one, this
swimming pool was
also very nice.

There are loads of
really awesome
cactus gardens
around Lanzarote.

Beno.org.uk

This was the best hotel in Costa Teguise. It is really posh and ever so awesome. The
swimming pool was epic. Everything about it is really epic. A weird thing about the
pool is that it has a small circular shallow pool in the middle of the main swimming pool.

Beno.org.uk

A very weird motor on this
Schindler Smart mod by
Schindler at the hotel.

At the other end of the complex is
another pool. I think it is part of the
same hotel, even though it looks
different to the other pool. This pool
wasn’t as interesting as the other one.

This swimming pool was quieter
than the other one. I almost had the
entire place to myself.

Beno.org.uk

All of the buildings all look really
nice and posh, although the
actual construction of the
buildings is rather cheap.

All the buildings are white and there
are palm trees everywhere

Sadly none of the buildings are tall

Palm trees in the streets
looks really nice

Beno.org.uk

There are cactus gardens
everywhere in Lanzarote.
They are all really nice
and look very different
from anything back in
England.

There are lots of unusual
looking plants.

Beno.org.uk

There is an abandoned resort
hotel which was never
completed its construction. It
is interesting to see the way
these resorts are built. The
construction is cheap, but the
end result looks nice.

This resort would have been
massive. There would be glass lifts
running up the outside of the
buildings. Just imagine a massive
swimming pool in the middle of this.

The building looks like a poured
concrete construction, but only the
floors are poured concrete. The upright
supports are pre built concrete blocks
stacked up like lego blocks.

And the floors themselves, only the
top layer that you walk on is poured
concrete, the main part of the floors
is like concrete floor boards.

Beno.org.uk

Lets take a look around
Puerto del Carmen.
Here is the shopping
center.

The shopping center
has some nice
Oronas

There is no inspection control on top,
not even under the flap that you can
lift up.

Again, loads of nice palm trees
everywhere.

Beno.org.uk

This place is really nice. It is quite small, but nobody noticed me sneaking into the pools.

Beno.org.uk

The next place that I
managed to sneak in had a
massive garden. It looks
really nice.

The swimming pool
is not the best, but it
is still nice. The
water was very cold.

In this places you
could really just
walk in and go
straight into the
pool. Nobody will
notice you.

Beno.org.uk

Now this swimming pool
was ever so nice. There are
palm trees around the pool
and everything about it is
really posh. I followed some
people through the door that
you need a keycard for to
get in the pool. This pool is
complete luxury.

Beno.org.uk

I wonder what this bottle in a lift shaft contains. Oil for the lift? An engineer's drink?
An engineer's piss? I dread to think! We think Dean would be happy to try it though!

There is another really
nice garden area.

Beno.org.uk

Playa Blanca is right down
on the south of the island.
This pool was really nice
and had a really nice
atmosphere.

They had put a lot of effort
into making this pool nice
with lots of bridges and
scenery.

Beno.org.uk

This hotel said 5 star hotel in big letters on the side of it,
so I just had to go in and have a look.

These screens in the Otis
2000s are nice. The lifts had
both some spanish voice and
the Otis 2000 voice.

Beno.org.uk

Even though this is a 5 star
hotel, the pool isn’t the best I had
been in. It is still nice, but
nothing special.

The swimming pool was very
cold. The lifeguard was
suspicious of me as I didn’t
have a hotel towel.

The walkways around this
hotel were all very nice and
posh looking.

This place looks very nice, but I didn’t
feel that it was particularly better than
any of the other hotels, even though
they go on about it being a 5 star hotel.

Beno.org.uk

Me and Jordan went on a lift
adventure in Glasgow. There
were lots of interesting things to
see. The cinema (pictured
above) was weird, it was like 6
cinemas stacked on top each
other. The lifts were some nice
Otis 2000s.
The hospital had nice modern
architecture (pictures left).

The hospital's destination dispatch
Schindler's made lots of weird
chimes on disabled mode.

Beno.org.uk

The service areas in this
Glasgow shopping center
were fun to explore. This is
an Otis Cargo 2000 which me
and Jordan surfed. I wonder
what security would think if
they knew we were on top a
lift that we were not allowed
to be in, let alone on top of.

This place had 4 double helix
staircases all next to each
other. This is crazy. There is
no reason they could possible
reason they would need this
many stairs. In the service
corridor there were 8 doors
marked stairs all next to each
other. We didn’t believe it at
first, but they all had a large
wide staircase behind them.

The service areas were
fun. Several times
members of staff walked
past us. Me and Jordan
walked along confidently
and nobody questioned
us.

Beno.org.uk

The Glasgow underground is totally
awesome. The trains are so small. It is
like they took the London underground
and shrunk it.

The trains are so small. It is so
weird, but ever so fun.

The system runs very well. Me and
Jordan went on it for ages.

Beno.org.uk

Me and Jordan noticed this
weird architecture at this
Holiday Inn in Glasgow. I
said I wonder if we can
climb right up the top of it
and guess what…. We did!

I love it when these
architectures which
are focused on how it
looks on the outside,
turns out to be weirdly
designed on the
inside.

There was a weird
series of ladders which
we climbed up to get
to the top.

Beno.org.uk

Glasgow Royal Infirmary is a really
fun hospital to go to. There is lots
to explore and loads of lifts to ride
on top of.

Here is the secret top floor of the
hospital which was very creepy.
We went on top a lift to get up
here.

Beno.org.uk


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